Agony Aunt: “My husband won’t do the dishes!”

Clean dishes stacked up after being washed up
Line ’em up!

All human males are bastards. This is a fact. But some are bigger bastards than others, namely those too lazy to get stuck into housework.

Take today’s specimen. He never does the dishes! Can you imagine? Well, we’re here to dish out the law of the land on this freeloader.

Men Who Don’t Do The Dishes

Dear agony aunt. My husband, right, is called John. He's a househusband so doesn't work, I'm the main breadwinner because I run a small business selling clams I dredge out of the local canal (business is lousy). 

However, despite my house husband's sole duty being to look after the home, he refuses to do the dishes. Every time I ask him about it he shrieks, "But that's work of a woman!" 

He has no problem having his arm up the u-bend of the toilet to unclog our teenage son's calamities, but he refuses to scrub the dishes. What the hell? 

I sent him off to the GP for medical tests to find out what's wrong with him. The doctor got him in for an MRI scan and a psychiatrist spent an intensive month with him to determine what the problem was. 

Eventually a brain surgeon performed a lobotomy on John to get to the bottom of this, since the MRI came back with inconclusive results. 

Of course John protested about all of this and keeps saying I'm a, "Sadistic old battle axe!" I tell him he needs to do the dishes! I remind him I bring home the bacon! I let him know he's a mere househusband! 

I turn to my teenage son, Dwayne, for support. But he's more interested in playing Fortnite, telling us to "Fuck off!" and generally not cleaning up after himself. He's like his bloody father, then! The ungrateful little sod!

Oh yes, and after the lobotomy (which we went to a black market doctor to do) my husband has started acting in a really weird way. 

He flies into a rage about the slightest things (such as birds chirping in the garden), dribbles all the time, refuses to flush the toilet, only makes mashed potato with gravy for every meal and spends long periods of time staring into the middle-distance. In short, he's gotten worse.

What do I do about this situation? Yours, Claire

Hi, Claire. Washing up liquid is like guns. It’s readily available and will eradicate even the lowliest scumbag dirt strains in the world.

Anyone refusing to use the stuff, or refusing to do the dishes, is clearly clinically insane and you’re right to have a doctor crack open his skull.

Seeing as this hasn’t yielded satisfactory results, you’ll need to enter stage two of John’s approach to being a househusband.

And that’s acknowledging his rights as a geezer.

What your husband needs? Some guns and a manly space. Consider fitting out your home with a man cave so he’s got a place to recuperate.

Designing the Perfect Man Cave

Your man cave should be a spare room in the house. Chuck a load of garbage into this to make your husband feel at home.

It’s essentially like getting a pet hamster and filling its cage with fun stuff. For the human male, fill the room with things such as:

  • Canisters of oil/petrol.
  • An old engine from some vehicle.
  • Cans of lager.
  • Copies of top shelf magazines.
  • Butter pies.
  • Crucially, a sink with dirty dishes in it.

These manly items will help him to understand his sense of self.

However, the inclusion of the sink with washing up requirements should gradually wean him towards accepting scrubbing at plates is normal blokey behaviour.

Before long, you’ll come to see he enjoys doing the dishes and may well refuse to let anyone else partake in the chore!

Alternatively, that black market lobotomy performed on John has left him brain damaged and you’re now stuck with a dribbling dunce of a husband.

If the latter reality is the case, you’ve really only got yourself to blame, Claire. Next time, hire some servants.

4 comments

  1. How come a man cave isn’t in a cave (where it belongs)?

    Claire- PS. Use a horse’s feed bag strapped to his head to catch the drools.

    Like

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