Agony Aunt: “Should my husband be drooling this much?”

Some graffiti of a mouth drooling
An artist’s impression of someone drooling.

As many a human female can attest, their human male counterparts have some pretty disgusting hygienic issues.

When not stinking of BO, their mighty man feet are also causing bother. And then there’s the drooling issue, such as with today’s poor, defeated soul.

To Drool, Or Not To Drool?

While I type this my husband John is sat at the dinner table after work eating his bangers and mash. And he's drooling everywhere like a mad bastard. This isn't anything new. He does it all the time and even when he's not eating and it's become a health hazard.

Yesterday I was in the kitchen and he'd been drooling for 10 minutes straight making his beans on toast. I went to put his meal on the table and hit the drool. I were down in a second, my left leg broken in 17 different places and I were howling in bloody agony. 

So yeah, I've got a broken leg because of the husband and his drooling.

He's just been fired from his job because of it too because all the women think he's a raging weirdo. They caught him in the canteen dribbling everywhere and got the wrong message from that, with one apprentice shrieking hysterically because he thought John was making a pass at him, but John was just really, really, really enjoying his Pot Noodle sandwich lunch. 

I've had words with him. I said, "OI! Husband! What's with all this drool, you goddamn oaf?!" And he's been real defensive about it saying it's his "glands" and that he's visited the doctor about his athlete's foot but he was drooling everywhere so the doctor couldn't inspect it so told him to come back when he wasn't drooling. 

Other problems are stuff like with our son, Derek. We can't go to his PTA meetings at school because John is drooling everywhere and it's dead embarrassing for Derek because his father is weird. 

So, I've come up with a few ideas on how to control this:

1. Hobble John with a sledgehammer so he (and his drool) is contained in one area. 

2. Invest in many buckets to place around the house and hire a full-time maid to keep tipping them out. 

3. Do nothing and let the misery for my family continue. 

I'm leaning towards 1. What do you reckon? Ta, Sandra

Hi, Sandra. Drooling is typically a sign of hunger, which is usually down to not eating enough food.

We can’t help but feel this is likely due to your failures as a wife.

Bangers and mash? Beans on toast? Pot Noodles sandwiches for lunch!? Woman! We remind you of your duty as a wife to dote over your  husband and supply him with endless amounts of top notch meals.

It doesn’t need to be Michelin star standard, but at least give him a chance and fend off the onslaught of diabetes in his system. Eh?

As this is entirely your fault, we propose the following:

  • Get cookery classes to improve your culinary skills.
  • Cook better stuff.

We suggest mastering the concept of hors d’oeuvres. By which we don’t mean baked beans served in a ramekin, or something.

Try this out and if he’s still drooling everywhere in six months, hobble him with a sledgehammer, initiate divorce proceedings, and move on with your life. All the best!

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