Ask Dr. Moron: “Is my nose hair problem life threatening?”

Pinocchio with his giant nose
An example of a nose hair free situation. Well done, Pinocchio. You may be a compulsive lair, but your nose is hairless!

In the heady days of June 2020, we had an agony aunt column about a woman’s boyfriend’s nose hair problem.

Now, in the heady days of August 2021, we’ve got another human male with nose hair problems… why are men SO BLOODY HAIRY?!

And no, that’s not a typo. We didn’t mean bloody Mary. We meant hairy. So, let’s get into this ruddy thing.

Controlling Male Nose Hair

Disclaimer: Our medical advice is appalling and could result in serious injury or worse. Do not follow our guidance! Ever!

Hi Dr. Moron. How are you? I'm not so good because I have a chronic nose hair problem. 

It's growing at such a relentless rate I'm crying myself to sleep each night. The only use it's having is I'm combing it over my skull to cover off my male pattern balding. 

But why is my head hair stopping and my nose hair accelerating? It's like my head hair is growing downwards so it's coming out of my nose instead of my head! And I'm panicking a bit and, plus, I look a bit stupid because everyone knows it's a combover. I'm not fooling anyone. 

But what else can I do with it? Cutting the nose hair every day is really annoying and fiddly and it makes my eyes water, so it's easier to just comb it up over my head.
So far the wife is saying she's not bothered about it, but I overheard a phone call she had with her mother last week. "Greg's nose hair is giving me PTSD, I'm going to have to leave him for a man with less nose hair!"

I confronted her about that but she denies everything. I KNOW SHE IS LYING!
But my bigger concern is whether this is life threatening. I'm 45, I'm way to young to die. Give it to me straight, doc! What's my prognosis? Greg

Greg—calm down, you imbecile. Nose hair is rarely a fatal condition. Except in the following situations—when it is a fatal condition.

Nose hair can be life threatening in the following situations:

  • If it clogs your nasal passages and suffocates you.
  • Should you accidentally chew on it and choke during your sleep.
  • In the event the nose hair gets caught on anything (such as a bulldozer), resulting in your death by crushing.

Otherwise nose hair is totally benign and you shouldn’t be freaking out about it like a scaredy pants wuss.

It’s time to man up! You’re merely facing middle age and you need to embrace that and begin nurturing an impressively vast beer belly.

Overcoming Nose Hair With a Beer Gut

By letting yourself go on a grand scale, you can overcome any self consciousness regarding your nasal passage fluff.

Take up a far from healthy diet and become as lazy as possible. Cease all exercise and get some slippers and a dressing gown.

As your beer belly expands dramatically, do the following:

  • Name your beer gut (go for a friendly title, such as Bernard).
  • Pamper your beer gut with regular beers, pies, and fish & chips.
  • Wear tight shirts to exemplify your gut, indicating to society you’re the proud owner of a beer belly and there’s nothing they can do about it.
  • Keep your beer belly warm during winter (e.g. drink beer that isn’t chilled).

You should introduce Bernard to other beer bellies to ensure it gets regular social activity.

So, make a regular beeline for your nearest pub to mingle with other ageing geezers with beer guts and masses of nose hair.

You can also join the Nose Hair & Beer Belly Society, which has been in operation since 1969. It has annual meetings in London where geezers can socialise and network to expand their gut with the free range of pasties on offer.

All of which should take your mind off your nose hair concerns, Greg, because you’ll have bigger issues to content with.

Namely heart disease and high cholesterol. Best of luck with those!

2 comments

  1. Can I interest you in an exclusive import license for my patented ‘Nose Hair Clipper Fingerstall’? This miniature clipper is mounted on a small fingerstall designed to slip over the end of the index finger. This makes it possible to appear to be picking one’s nose, but in fact secretly cutting one’s nose hair. A boon at diplomatic events.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You can interest me in stealing your idea and using it to become the world’s first trillionaire. I’ll write you a 50p cheque in a decade when I’m blasting off for a new life on Jupiter in my space rocket.

      Like

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