Agony Aunt: “HELP! How do I stop my boyfriend’s nose hair?”

A man getting upset and crying a bit with his nose on show
“You DARE mock my nose hair?!”

Nose hair is what happens to men in order to accommodate for male pattern balding. Lose one thing, you need an abundance of the other.

Unfortunately, human females tend to find this reversal in fortunes pretty gross. Such as today’s behemoth, who demands less (fewer?) nose hair.

Tips on Nostril Fluff

Hello. I have been married to my husband for 25 years. Recently, he went bald. And that seems to be because his head hair wants to come out of his nostrils like a tsunami. 

What is the meaning of this? It's reaching the point where we visit friends and family... and they're all talking about John's nose hair. "Did you see how much it's grown? At least a centimetre!" And then Bob, the family "character" goes, "Something else grew a centimetre on me, too! WAHEY!" And everyone laughs and goes, "Oh, he's such a character is that Bob!"

Anyway, Bob aside, John should ADDRESS his nostril hair. I awake most mornings with him half drunk atop of me. The first thing I see? His nose hair right in my face as he snores like a bastard.

I tried telling him about all of this. And he goes, "Maggie, you are a stupid woman. That's why I married you. WAHEY!" He was really pleased with that one, so the next time Bob was round he quipped it again, and they both went, "WAHEY!!" together. 

That SOB Bob!! I know he's secretly dating the local drug dealer, Sandy, on the side. Should I spill the beans on him? 

And what about the nose hair? Thanks, Maggie

Hello, Maggie. Nose hair is one of the evil necessities in life. Like owning a shed, but having no garden.

So, the solution to all of this is pigeon pellets. You need many of them. You can’t source them from pigeons, but you can get them from shops.

Feed the pellets to John and Bob, respectively, until they either suffer a brain haemorrhage or the nose hair stops. Or both.

Don’t spill the beans on Bob. He sounds like a nasty bastard. Instead, spill the pigeon pellets on him. Make that son of a gun suffer! His “WAHEY!” days are over.

Man Hair

Just a note on this, as experts, but bloke hair is a tad different from woman hair. A hairy back, for example, is not often seen on a human female.

Men typically have hair in several places. These are as follows:

  • Head hair (unless bald or balding).
  • Eyebrows.
  • Nose.
  • Ears.
  • Teeth (on occasions).
  • Beard.
  • Hairy knuckles.
  • Back hair.
  • Chest hair.
  • Gonads.
  • Knees.
  • Toes (including the big toe).

Due to the hairiness of men, many women are often alarmed by the aforementioned hairiness.

However, there’s nothing to fear. Unlike, say, a great white shark, a man’s hairy nose won’t sever your limbs and enforce exsanguination.

But it will make you stop for a second and curse the nature of bodily functions. Gross, aren’t they? If only men could, like, do a… nose vasectomy.

Anyway, our suggestion is you just break his nose with a hammer. Yes, that’s “assault”. But if you’re in jail, you don’t have to stare at his nose hair. Capisce?

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