When is a pie, not a pie? When it’s not a pie! And that’s the Portly Paul’s Pathetic Pie Shop promise.

We have some pies. But they’re on the floor, hidden among bric-a-brac, and generally a bit old and mouldy. So come on day today and get not hungry!

Portly Paul’s Pathetic Pie Promises!

We’re probably not the best pie shop in town, but we’re certainly the most shambolic!

All of our pies aren’t handmade on our premises, we buy most of them from the local Tesco, freeze them, and then serve them whenever we fancy.

30% Meat!

Looking for a butter pie? Tough! We haven’t got any. We do have meat pies, but don’t expect much meat in them!

Instead, we’ve got a weird mishmash of all sorts of strange gubbins we’ll classify as being close enough to meat, but not actually.

We’re not even sure what it is, to be honest! The chicken, for example, is probably better classified as “entrails from something”. Bon appétit!

We Don’t Do Deliveries!

Yeah, we can’t be bothered setting up and operating a delivery service.

You have legs. Or a car. Don’t be lazy, just come down to the shop and get your week old steak and kidney pie we’ve defrosted from the local Tesco.

COVID “Safe”

Our store is cleaned once a month by a doddering old battleaxe with a bucket of diluted bleach and a sponge.

So come on down today, we’re as safe as a cucumber! There’s no pandemic here! It didn’t even happen to begin with, it was communist propaganda!

Portly Paul’s Menu!

You name it, we’ve probably not got it! Check out our amazing range of stuff you can buy from the shop:

• Pies!
• Bags of crisps!
• Cheap granule coffee!
• 90% proof absinthe!

Simply take your seat in our pie shop and Portly Paul will take your order directly!

Just be aware, he’s labouring under mild Korsakoff syndrome, so he may forget most of your order and bring you a plate of rusty nails in error.

Please be aware, in the event of this outcome there won’t be a refund.