Last week someone was dating a cement mixer. This week we have someone – a crazed narcissist! – who fell in love with herself. So much so, she’s now dating her. A bit weird for the rest of the world, perhaps, but we’re in the Age of Narcissism so why the Hell not?
HEYYO PROFESSIONAL MORON!!! I'm Precious! I mean, I am precious. But I'm also CALLED Precious LOL!! I was SICK to DEATH of BASTARD men so one day I saw myself in my 300th selfie of the day and fell head over heels in love with me!! I'm such a sweet and lovely lady. So I decided to ask myself out on a date!! It was nerve wracking. BUT I AGREED!!!! Two months later, though, and I'm worried sick the relationship isn't working out. I'm REALLY getting on my nerves!!! How do I stop this!?!?! Thanks! Precious xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
After receiving her email, as she failed to elucidate her situation satisfactorily, we got back in touch asking about the annoyances she mentioned. This was her response.
HIYA PROFESSIONAL MORON!!!!!!!! Thanks sooooooo much for getting in touch!!!!!! And in RESPONSE to your email here are some of the things I do that I find ANNOYING. PLEASE help me because I want to make this relationship WORK!!!!! Precious xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo - Interruptions. I NEVER shut up about me! WT actual F!? How do I stop myself from butting in all the time!??!!??!?! - I'm always right. AND IT'S PISSING ME OFF!! Why can't I admit I'm sometimes wrong!? Even though I never am!!! - I'M ALWAYS ON MY PHONE!!! Why can't I just stop and pay more attention to other people (like me) for once!?!? - I leant myself a book (50 Shades!!!!) and I didn't give it back to myself. WTF?! I only got my book back after I found it on the floor after I'd read it!!! - OMG like I do this pen tapping thing on my desk and it's driving me mad! WTF?! - I'm always invading my personal space!! Sometimes I just want to chill and forget everything, but I'm ALWAYS there!!!!!!
Hello. After careful consideration of your dating dilemma we realised the problem is almost definitely you. Seeing as it’s your personality you’re dealing with.
Unfortunately, this is clearly a case of a relationship in chronic decline. It pains us to state this, but we can’t see any resolution – you’re in what dating professionals class as a “shitfest” situation.
The problem is you’re just far too irritating. Luckily, we’re here to help.
It’s never easy ending a relationship with you, but sometimes you have to cut your ties and get over yourself. Unfortunately, this process is both agonising and grotesque. These are the steps you must take:
- Send yourself a text message bearing the legend: “I tink we shud c uvver peeps soz lol x”
- Respond to your text stating in no uncertain terms: “**** u u ****ing ****!!!!!!!!!!!”
- In a violent and irrational temper, throw all of your clothes out into the street.
- Hack off an arm to teach yourself a lesson. Use a chainsaw or, if you must, a selfie stick.
- Block yourself across all of your social media accounts.
- Get some expensive ice cream.
- Watch Titanic and pretend you’re Rose and Jack is your dreamboat.
- Stick yourself back on Tinder and revel in men sending you messages such as: “wuu2”, “u iz ded fit bae”, and “when we goin on a date lol”.
- Recall that you’re bleeding out quite profusely after step #4 and use your remaining arm to dial for an ambulance.