Agony Aunt: “What are the best chat up lines to use on men?”

A woman with purple hair doing chat up lines on a phone
Some chat up lines just have wow factor.

Men using chat up lines is a tried and tested method to ensure geezers get some “top totty”, as it were. Every married man on Earth has used a chat up line at least once.

However, human females (“women”, as it were) are less inclined to use chat up lines. This is because they often rely on provocative clothing to do the talking for them.

However, what if you don’t have any provocative clothes? Well, if that’s the case you’ll need to put on a charm offensive with words.

Women’s Best Chat Up Lines

Hello. I'm a woman of 31 and I've been trying to ask some guys out on dates, but it's not going so well. I accidentally keep asking married men out it seems, is there any way to tell if a guy is married? That'll stop things from being embarrassing. 

But anyway, my best friend Sandra who's 32 and already been married four times (divorced three times) clearly knows what she's doing and she said to me I should totally take up chat up lines. 

So I figured that would be a good idea. I got my very best blouse on and dolled up with makeup and went out to the local bars and started hitting on men with, "Get your coat, mate, you've pulled." Anyway they didn't react very well to this and one of them said I'm "proper weird, you are" and some of them swore at me as well. So I was a bit disillusioned by the end of the night. I started getting a bit drunk as well and my chat up lines became more and more aggressive, pathetic, and leering. Stuff like:

- "I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?"
- "Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?"
- "Hey, my name’s Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?"
- "Hi, I’m Miss Right, somebody said you were looking for me?"

So yeah, they all went down pretty badly and some guys even thought I was subversively taking the piss out of them. Which I wasn't, and so decided to prove I wasn't by grabbing them by the scruff of the neck. 

Anyway, all this behaviour led them to say I was being "manly" and like a "tomboy" to which I told them to take a goddamn hike and then I belched really loudly and threw up some beer. 

The next day I was very hungover so I spent the day watching romantic comedies on Netflix and pondering my next move. Suggestions? Thank you, Ember

Hi there, Ember. First of all, yes you can tell if a human male is married. He’ll often wear a wedding ring.

Upon meeting a human male you like, seize his hand fiercely and examine it for the aforementioned wedding ring.

If it’s there, this likely means he’s married. If it isn’t there, he may still be married anyway (or not) so maybe just ask him if he’s married. Although he can still lie through his teeth about that all the same. Sorry we can’t be of more help there, it’s a minefield this married man malarkey.

As for the other matter, you can (of course) use chat up lines if you’re a woman.

It’d be atrociously sexist if you couldn’t use chat up lines just because you’re a human female. It’d be like a dystopian future type Nineteen Eighty-Four sort of deal. Where women were punished for using cheesy one liners on hunky hunks.

The trick to flirting with men is to soothe his ego and ensure you leave him with a slight hint of disgust and horror. All the best chat up lines do this.

As such, rely on the complete list below and you’ll have geezers hanging off every arm before you can say, “You had me at hello“:

  • “If you buy me a bunch of flowers for the little lady, I’ll cook you beans on toast for dinner for the rest of your life, sugar buttocks.”
  • “Hi baby! [Extend your hand] Could you hold this for me while I go for a walk, snukkums?”
  • “If you were a fruit you’d be a fineapple.”
  • “OMG you are, like, sooooo gawjus I can’t even!”
  • [Drop an ice cube on the floor nearby to a hunk] “Oh, now the ice is broken can I get your number, chiselled jawline man?”
  • “Feel my t-shirt, it’s made of girlfriend material.”
  • “Is it hot in here or is it just you?”

Naturally, it helps if you’ve had a few too many beers when you’re using the above lines.

Having the putrid stench of beer breath wafting over the human male is an excellent final step to ensuring you woo them with your womanly charms.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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