Invention: Mustardscara (Mascara & Mustard All-in-One)

A woman's face close up to her eyes
Needs more mustard.

Human females enjoy wearing mascara as it makes their eyes look more like eyeballs. Human females also like eating mustard (source unknown).

As such, we decided to combine the two into a makeup production that’ll take the makeup product world by storm. Read on in astonishment!

Mustardscara: The Timely Merger of Mascara & Mustard

Mustard is one of the most versatile beauty products in the world. That’s why we once created mustard socks and dustard (dust with mustard).

Sure, mustard is typically associated with hot dogs.

But its real use is for makeup. It’s just the world refuses to acknowledge that reality, instead slathering mustard over food like there’s no tomorrow.

Well, we’re sick of it!

And that’s why we’ve united mascara with the yellow hot-tasting paste made from crushed seeds. Women the world over will thank us for this development!

Mustardscara: The Perfect Way to Win Over Your Hot (or terribly ugly) Date

Picture the scene. You’re a woman and you’ve got a hot date with a successful business owner who’s also handsome and he probably even puts the toilet seat down.

You need to dress to impress. And you need makeup for a chance to smooch up.

Sure, you could use boring old mascara to make your eyes look big and engaging. But that’s just stupid!

No. You need mustardscara!

By applying it liberally over your eyelids, eyebrows, and anywhere else you fancy on your face, you’ll become utterly irresistible.

The handsome, wealthy business owner who understands the importance of toilet seat positioning will swoon. He won’t know what’s hit him! He’ll think:

“Wow! I don’t know what all that weird shit is all over this broad’s face… like, mustard? Maybe? Or maybe she’s recovering from jaundice…whatever! If she’s daft enough to think she doesn’t look like an idiot, I can rule this relationship like the raging narcissist I well and truly am!”

Love at first sight! You see!? It’s more than possible. And it’s more than probable if you doll up with mustardscara.

Available from all shops that sell makeup from Q1 2022 for £30 ($50) a jug.

And, yes, jug. We’re selling the stuff in jugs. What? There’s nothing wrong with that! Then you can scoop the mustardscara out with your hands and liberally apply it over your mug.

Mustardscara Competition! You Can Win a US Battleship!

USS Zumwalt (DDG 1000)

To celebrate the impending arrival of our beauty product, we’re throwing a competition! Enter NOW for a chance to win a $1.8 billion US battleship USS Zumwalt (DDG 1000).

The guided missile destroyer is a wonderful accompaniment to anyone’s life, boasting stealth capabilities, a radar cross-section, and highly destructive weaponry!

Ideal for any human female looking to go shopping… with or without makeup!

For a chance to win this amazing product, simply answer the following question: What’s the capital city of Paris?

Answers on a postcard, please! The lucky winner will be chosen at random on 25th December. The battleship will then be airlifted to your home, with a complimentary jug of mustardscara.

Go and invade some countries whilst looking the part!


  1. another wonderful invention! You must present it to the Lépine contest, you will win you know.
    And then there are the variations: all these ladies will potentially be Colonel Mustard and Doctor Boddy and will be able to play a psychedelic game of Clue.

    As Française, I cheat for the contest and announce to the world that the right answer is : D

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I refuse to take part!
    I’m not stupid, you know. I know and everyone else knows that is a TRICK question.
    The capital of Paris is “Shakespeare and Company”…So there!

    Mustardscara, you could use some, you eyelash-less yellow basketball net back.

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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