Exclusive Recipe: Dustard (a potent mix of dust and mustard)

Bloody dust!

Yesterday it was musturd, today it’s dustard! Yes, we’re eager to help you use up the accumulation of dust which is no doubt currently plaguing your home. Have you really cleaned everywhere you need to? What about behind that cabinet? We bet haven’t, you lazy fool you!

We’re sure space also aliens are getting bored of the sight of dust so this is, essentially, an intergalactic recipe which covers multiple species. It will also get rid of all that bloody dust lying about the place – what more do you want? I’m sorry, what was that?! “Something tasty”!? What is the meaning of this? Remove yourself from this blog immediately, blasphemer!


The magic of dust is it’s not really clear where it comes from. Is it dandruff from your home? We like to think it’s a combination of alien vomit and dandruff, but then that’s just us. Who knows what it really is?!

Traditionally, dust isn’t a typical foodstuff. Most people just, you know, hoover it all up. This is a terrible waste – like punching someone in the face when hurling a brick at them would have been better. Thusly, it is time to make more use of dust, which is why dustard exists.

To make this recipe, all you need to do is go around your home hoovering up all the dust you can find. You can then empty your hoover bag (with whatever other bits of stuff you’ve picked up along the way – it adds to the flavour) into a pan and add as many bottles of mustard as you wish. Voila! Dustard!

You can heat this up if you wish or simply stir the concoction together, but rest assured this is a superb complement to any meal you can think of. Whether it’s beans on toast, cake, or porridge, dustard will get the job done!

What About Dustbins?

Contrary to popular belief, dustbins aren’t made out of dust. Indeed, these items are something of a misnomer – dust has nothing to do with bins, really! The lads in the Professional Moron office had a good laugh about how messed up the name is, believe us. We roared with laughter relentlessly for about 10 hours.

The police turned up eventually and stumbled across our vat of dustard bubbling away, along with the bathtub full of musturd from yesterday, and the remaining 990 tonnes of horse manure our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, recently stole from a local farm. Believing the Professional Moron office to be some sort of illegal mustard ring, out came the batons and we got a bloody good drubbing.

Sadly, all of our dustard, mustard, musturd, and horse manure has been confiscated. All we have left are the remnants of dust particles wafting poetically in the air, whilst Mr. Wapojif bellows furiously from the office window to anyone who dares walk by in the street. Happy Christmas, everyone!


  1. Well, it was sounding great until the police came.
    Perhaps you could have thrown them off with a Dustard that was 1/2 dust & 1/2 custard.
    Pushed as a dessert, it could have slipped out from under the cops. …. erm… police noses & into their dessert bowls.


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