Exclusive Invention: Mustard Socks (socks made out of mustard)

Mustard in a small cup
Socks, you say?

With spring on the way, you may have in mind the possibility for new fashion accessories. We certainly do!

As such, we got our thinking caps on. And the best thing we could come up with is mustard socks. Yes. Probably not our finest moment, but we’re running with it anyway.

Mustard Socks

Recently, we bought a fabulous jar of organic wholegrain mustard. We love the stuff. It’s healthy, pungent (a bit like Marmite, but not), and yellow.

Yellow food!? What madness is that!? However, yellow is a terrific colour for any fashion accessory. As is mustard.

So, we’ve combined the two to create this exciting new range of socks.

Simply put, it’s socks made out of mustard. Mustard socks! Not difficult, is it? What we do in the Professional Moron factory (part of which collapsed last week due to an unrelated gas explosion) is buy second hand socks and then smear them with mustard.

These are then packaged and go on sale for £30 a pair—we also have a horseradish and wasabi variety.

The purchaser then buys the mustard socks (don’t steal them, dammit!) and wears them. Simple as that.

As you squelch into your shoes, you’ll grimace as the mustard mucks up around your ankles.

But then, as you parade about looking fantabulous, you’ll realise something. You’ll realise fellow mustard enthusiasts will start flirting with you!

Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, trial ran the first pair of mustard socks in Manchester city centre on 2nd March 2020.

When walking by a hotdog stand, one man turned up our esteemed editor and proclaimed, “Shit!” Is that flirting, or is it not flirting?! We’re not sure. One or the other.

Anyway, the chief purpose of this product is to provide mustard fans with access to mustard whenever they need it.

Sure, you could just carry around a jar of the stuff with you. But where’s the fun in that? Instead, your socks will become the talking point of the town.

In that people will think you’re clinically insane for wearing them. Huzzah!

Mustard Shoes

Also in the Professional Moron line?! We have mustard shoes! We announced these just today at a big event in Piccadilly Gardens.

To mark the occasion, we set off a load of mustard gas.

Then we watched on in confusion as dimwitted consumers staggered about choking and clutching at their, respective, throats.

Stupid bloody fools. No wonder they’re poor and unsuccessful when they can’t even stomach a bit of mustard gas.

To prove that point, Mr. Wapojif got off his soapbox to sniff up heartily the noxious mist. He’s been passed out and convulsing ever since.

We’ll chalk that up to the unsociable hours he’s worked of late.

Anyway, buy our mustard shoes! They’re really great and stylish. And they’re made out of mustard!


  1. I don’t know! I already own a gallon of mustard perfume “Mustume” or “Pertard”, depending on my mood.
    Do you have something in pickles? I like mustard and pickles together.

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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