Love. You’ve got to love it. Lots of people do! So much so they go out there and write lovely love songs about it.

Enter Professional Moron! We’re love experts. Yes, we are. And we’re here today to shake up musical history with an idea or two. Awww.

When a Love Song Becomes Repugnant

Don’t forget, we’ve also created 15 Love Songs Ruined By Adding Mucus, which is also a humdinger of tracks right there!

But this lot will have you shuffling in line, tapping your toes, and nodding your head before you can say, “My God, turn off the radio!”

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Rancid Face

The brilliance of Roberta Flack’s song is that it’s beautiful, but also caustic. A brutal cut down to the gross SOB she’s just laid eyes on.

My Heart Will Go Rancid

Celion Dion here from Titanic. Remember that film? Good, wasn’t it!? Billy Zane and his excellent wig, plus Dion and her nauseatingly catchy croon number.

Every night in my dreams,
I see you, I smell you,
That is how I know you stink bad.
Far across the distance,
And smells between us,
You have come to show you reek.
Near, far, wherever you aren’t,
I believe that the malodorous stench does go on,
Once more, you open the door (to noxious fumes),
And you’re here in my heart,
And my heart will succumb to your evil-smelling putrescence.

Many a teenage girl bawled their eyes out over that one in cinemas circa 1997/1998. And you can see why!

I Want to Know What Rancid Is

Agent Provocateur didn’t know what repugnance was. And so the band wrote a song about it. Net result? Smash hit about something highly unpleasant. Hurray!

Take My Rancid Breath Away

Berlin sung this song. And a catchy song it was too! Just don’t stand too close to anyone singing it, eh?

Watching every mephitic motion,
In my fetid lover’s game,
On this foul-smelling ocean,
Finally lovers know no smell,
Turning and returning,
To some smelly place inside,
Watching in slow miasma,
As you turn around and stink.

Beautiful. Brings a tear to your eye, does not it?!

The Lady in Rancid

Chris De Burgh likes ladies and… rancid stuff. Huh. Well, that’s not very romantic, is it? Look at these lyrics:

The lady in rancid is dancing with me, cheek to cheek,
There’s nobody here, it’s just sickening,
It’s where I want to be,
But I hardly know this belch by my side,
I’ll never forget the way you smell tonight.

That’s nice, De Burgh! Beautiful lyrics. Shame about the smell.

It Must Have Been Rancid

Roxette agree it must have been a real bad smell in this song about contemplation over whiffs.

How Rancid Is Your Love

Well, the Bee Gees knew how to write a high-pitched hit single 90% of other artists want to cover. Cue lots of high-pitched warbling about smelly things.

Hmmm? It’s “How DEEP Is Your Love”, you say? Nonsense! Absolute balderdash! Why would you want a song called that!? Leave it to the professionals!

That’s How Rancid My Love Is

Otis Redding with this one and some impressive self-awareness from the man. Full marks on that, mate!

And finally…

Every Belch You Take

Sting may have been hot stuff, but it doesn’t mean he’s free from the type of breath that’d put even his most ardent fans off.

And, okay, so there’s no “rancid” in the title. We don’t make the rules, man! But it’s still the most famous song about smells since time began.

That’s what his most famous song is about, after all. Great song! But it also packs an important message:

Every belch you take,
And every malodorous move you make,
Every stink bomb you break,
Every step you take into dog dirt,
I’ll be watching you.
Every single stench,
And every belch you say,
Every gamy you play,
Everything rank you smell,
I’ll be whiffing.

Great stuff, eh? Oh, what?! This feature was too immature for you was it!? Well, go and read a high-end blog about SOPHISTICATION and other things!