You may think the time and place for doormats is right before your front door. But terrifying, maniacal aliens don’t kowtow to such social norms!
Indeed, this detailing of a terrifying alien abduction is about a species of alien so inconceivable in its monstrosities… we almost succumbed to terror whilst piecing together this report.
Steel yourselves, doormat loving humans, as this story will mortify your very soul.
The Alien Abductee: Nicola Smith, 42, Accrington of Lancashire
On the morning of 3rd May 2022, doormat saleswoman Nicola Smith was busy selling doormats when she was approached by many aliens.
“I were taken aback! I goes, ‘What the bloody ‘ell do you lot want?!’ And then they went crazy and started goin’ for me doormats. Bastards. I were smashing them off with me fists… but it makes me wish I’d got that doormat gun I’d been thinking of have made done. Reet shame.”
The aliens had off with 137 of Nicola’s doormats, leaving her very angry.
“I were reet pissed off, I were. I called the cops and told ’em about t’aliens. They asked me how much I’d been drinkin’. I told ’em I’d only had ‘alf a pint of gin, so they came rushin’ out to arrest me.”
Once arrested and placed in a jail cell for the day, the aliens actually came to Nicola’s rescue.
They demolished their way into the police building with space lasers before seizing hold of Nicola and taking her to their spaceship.
Once onboard, they demanded to know where they could get more doormats.
“I were like, ‘You can make this spaceship thingy that can get across the universe in days, but you can’t make your own doormats?’ And they were, like, waving space lasers in my face and gurgling. I said, ‘Fucks sake! Okay, right, I can get you many doormats at cheap, cheap prices… ‘ow many you buyin’?’ And then we started hagglin’.”
The aliens placed forth a preliminary order of 200,000,000,000 doormats.
“I were, like, thinking to myself I weren’t sure if I could meet that order.”
Upon informing the aliens of this possibility, they went “mental” and started gurgling and slobbering everywhere. A different type of space laser was then introduced and Nicola was shot with it, turning her into a giant doormat.
The aliens then dumped her back into the streets of Accrington, near the Co-Op, and departed from the Earth’s orbit.
Consequently, Nicola’s current form is as below.
Asides from muttering “‘elp me!” at regular intervals, Miss Smith has also found herself welcoming everyone to her “humble abode”.
That is until people step on her to wipe their feet.
“It’s drivin’ me mental. People keep steppin’ on me and I’m all, like, ‘Oi! Dickhead! Do you mind?!’ And they don’t mind and keep doing it. Bastards!”
Nicola has currently appealed to the public for help finding a cure for her condition.
However, it seems likely that until the aliens return she’ll remain in her doormat form. As this seems to the case, she told us she has plans for the future.
“If I’m stuck like this I’m goin’ to join t’ circus and become, like, a freak attraction. Kind of like the Elephant Man. But people can wipe their feet on me, an’ all.”
Miss Smith remains in a comfortable condition and plans to launch a Kickstarter campaign to get her act on the road later this year.
Type of Aliens
Miss Smith describes the aliens as of multiple colours and of short stature who are easily excitable and slobber a great deal.
The aliens are obsessed with doormats, but it remains unclear why this is the case. Miss Smith was unable to establish what their interest in this type of mat.
Furthermore, we must beg the question over why the aliens are interested in buying doormats when they have the technology to transform anything into a doormat at will.
On the basis of this analysis, we must question this species’ critical thinking skills.
The same goes for the aliens infatuated with the Oxford comma. We mean, what’s with these weirdos? We put it to these aliens to get a girlfriend and stop faffing over stupid nerdy things like doormats (and commas)!
Alien Threat Level Rating
Potentially, this species could transform everyone on Earth into a doormat.
This is most alarming, as not everyone has the capacity to turn themselves into a circus stage show act. Some people have stage fright and other issues to content with, thusly rendering such a career as improbable.
In the event of the human race becoming doormats, we cannot foresee much hope for 99.9% of doormats. Except the lucky few who can turn themselves into successful novelty acts on social media etc.
It’s an appalling thought and we must petition the government with a petition that petitions to ensure this doesn’t happen!
Alien Abduction Experience
Miss Smith has described the experience as “awful” and notes her dissatisfaction with her current doormat form.
“I ‘ad a date planned an’ all, but ‘e turned me down when ‘e found out I’d turned into a doormat. ‘e sent me this text goin’ ‘soz babe knot interested if yew luck like dat’ an’ I ain’t ‘eard from ‘im again. Dead annoyin’.”
Miss Smith has since joined a dating site for doormat enthusiastic called Plenty of Doormats and hopes to find doormat-based love on that platform.
The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict
The mysterious doormat-loving aliens may well never return to Earth, but should they do so we must be very wary of them.
Our immediate suggestion is to begin firing atom bombs wildly in their direction.
Although nuclear fallout would be horrendous, it’s worth avoiding a far worse fate—that of a dormant doormat with little to do with one’s time.
Before that terrible time, we’ll try to keep our spirits up with a series of doormat puns:
- How do you say doormat in Spanish? Matador.
- I’m tired of people stomping all over my hard work, trampling on it without even noticing. So I’m going to quit my job at the doormat factory!
- “That’s the coolest doormat ever!” said my wife. I responded “Cooler than your husband?” Then she bought it against my wishes.
We forwarded these jokes to Miss Smith to improve her current mood, but she said she wasn’t in the mood for humour.
Don’t follow in the footsteps of her negativity!
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