Summer is on the way and that means human males walking around with their tops off and other such horrendous gubbins.
Such as the horror of… MEN… IN… SHORTS! Truly, can there be any greater terror lurking amongst the city streets, and beaches, of summer!?
Probably not! But today’s hapless human female is on a mission to ensure NO men wear shorts this summer. Good luck with that, sister!
Man Shorts and the Great Summer Crisis
Dear agony aunt. By the sign of my increasingly sweaty armpits, I can tell summer is but a few weeks away. I hate this. I hate this with a passion. Why!? BECAUSE OF MEN. Specifically, men walking around in those STUPID man shorts you see them wearing. What's that about!? I mean, if I want to see hairy man ankles and hairy man thighs I'll go to a strip joint, thanks every much! But to have it FORCED down my face while I shop for MARGARINE at the local supermarket is just too much. So for 2022 I've had it. I'm taking action. I've formed Women Against Men In Shorts (WAMIS). So far there's just me, the founder, but I hope to create a million strong army of women committed against the short-based cause. This is a calling card to the feminists of the world! Join WAMIS and put a stop to MEN flaunting their ANKLES and KNEECAPS. It is disgusting and I'm fairly certain entirely responsible for everything wrong with the world. Currently my plan of action is this: 1. To head into the street and physically assault any men I see wearing shorts. 2. To create highly belligerent banners promoting the WAMIS cause. 3. Promoting the wearing of comfy trousers, even during the stifling heat of the summer months. That's my three-step goal right now. You got any other suggestions? I need all the help I can get! Yours, Melissa the Magnificent (CEO of WAMIS, visionary, and shorts hater)
Hi, Melissa! We feel your anguish and do wish you the best of luck with WAMIS and its efforts to exterminate shorts.
Along with your psychotic interference tactics, we can suggest you also promote alternatives to wearing shorts. Options include:
- Wide leg pants
- Cropped wide leg pants
From the above list, we believe onesies to be the answer to your concerns.
There is nothing more harmless than a human male in a onesie. Perhaps, as part of WAMIS, you should look to create a fashion range to ensure men are properly covered from June-August.
Onesies as the Promoter of Public Decency
Truly, onesies are the route your should take with WAMIS. We’d suggest mandatory straightjackets, but that’s probably a step too far.
Onesies are, essentially, a dumbed down straightjacket.
And once snugly ensconced into one, the human male becomes largely irrelevant and innocuous. This is due to:
- His attractiveness plummeting (seriously, not even Brad Pitt would look good in one of those things).
- His hairy knees and ankles will be hidden from public view.
- He’s basically trapped in the onesie, unable even to take a quick toilet break.
- He’ll soon begin suffering from dehydration due to the pelting summer humidity, leading to him collapsing on the ground.
The more human males who lose consciousness due to onesie-based dehydration, the safer society will be this summer.
We can only hope global governments will take up this initiative to ensure we can all travel about safety over the next three months.
But our concern is WAMIS’ message will fall on deaf ears (or, at the very least, ears affected by tinnitus).
The net result of which will be a summer spent staring at human male ankles, knobbly knees, and all to the lingering stench of BO.
May GOD have mercy on us all…
Where do I sign up?
I shall petition for cropped wide leg pants. I’m not inhuman.
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I second that petition! You can sign up on the official WAMIS site where you’ll also get a free jam sandwich and a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine.
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HMM, thanks, but I don’t need the offered perks.
Can I get an Iphone instead?
No, you cannot. You’ll get one of those enormous brick phones from the ’80s.