All right I’m Frank I sell flowers and they’re really good flowers and if you like flowers then you’ll like my shop because I sell them here, don’t I?

You Can Buy Flowers at This Shop

At Frank’s Flower Shop you can buy flowers. Like loads of them. These are the types of flowers we got on sale right now:

• Daffodils
• Nettles
• Seaweed
• Moss
• Stick insects

We also sell Wigan Kebabs in our diner. You can buy some moss and then get a reet proper good feast going with gravy and chips and it’s good.

But yeah we sell flowers. We’re a Flower Shop and all that. Frank’s Flower Shop. This is how it works:

• You come into the shop
• I go, “What the bloody ‘ell do you want, eh!?”
• You go, “I’d like to buy some flowers, please!”
• I go, “Want a Wigan Kebab with that, mate?”
• You go, “Erm… no, I’d just like some flowers, please.”
• I go, “We got Wigan Kebabs, mate!”
• You go, “I thought this was a flower shop?”
• I go, “Yeah, mate.”
• You go, “But you’re trying to upsell me a Wigan Kebab, whatever that is…”
• I go, “YOU WOT?! I ain’t tryin’ to upsell you anythin’, you cheeky bastard!”

Then I chase you out of the shop with the shotgun.

So, yeah, pretty standard. You ain’t getting any flowers unless you buy at least one Wigan Kebab… or failing that some fish, chips, and gravy.

Answering Some FAQs

Because of the confusion about Frank’s Flower Shop I’ve put these FAQs together so you can get a better idea about what this is all about.

Is Frank’s Flower Shop a flower shop or a chippy?

I don’t know.

Why are Frank’s flowers deep fat fried?

A lot of my dumb customers complain the flowers they buy with the Wigan Kebab are deep fat fried like it’s a problem or something.

What’s wrong with that? Yeah, Frank’s Flower Shop is more of a chippy than a flower shop but you get what you pay for!

You come in and you order flour and batter and then you get your Wigan Kebab and some flour and deep fat fried flowers. There’s nothing confusing about it all what’s the matter with you?

Can I get a refund? I want flowers, not Wigan Kebabs!

No. Absolutely no refunds allowed.

Why did you start this stupid shop!?

Look my missus just said it’d be a good idea to start a business and so I said I like pies and she said she likes flowers so then we divorced.

I went and started the shop anyway because I thought having a chippy with some flowers is kind of like a novel thing to do and that.

Why do you charge for salt and vinegar!?

I’m a hardworking business owner you people make me sick! If I want to maximise my income I’ll do that and you don’t tell me how to run my business!

I found a rat in my Wigan Kebab, I’m reporting you to the Foods Standards Agency!

Yeah but you can’t prove it’s my rat can you? That could be anyone’s rat so good luck with that you dumb customer you’re not welcome back here!