A virulent species of alien has been terrorising planet Earth and abducting human beings under the DEMAND of dinosaurs.
The aliens want dinosaurs. However, as today’s abductee has pointed out, this is an impossible task and places humans on the precipice of annihilation. For shame!
The Alien Abductee: Callum Smith, 17, Rochdale of Lancashire
Callum Smith is a 17 year old college student who enjoys playing football and “pulling birds” on Tinder. He told us:
“I love pulling birds, me. They is dead fit. But then these aliens turned up one day and started going on about dinos, and I were like, ‘Fuck off!’ And then they abducted me and I were a bit pissed off.”
Mr. Smith was abducted on, or thereabouts, the morning of 17th June, 2022. He describes the aliens as:
“Dead lanky. Like sissies basically, I could have beaten them all in a fight if they’d not all had space guns on ’em. They’re, like, seven feet tall and dead skinny and green. They talk in this hysterical wail that gets real goddamn annoying after a bit. Like, you just want ’em to shurrup!”
Having travelled across time and space, it appears the aliens are furious that, upon arrival on Earth, no dinosaurs are left roaming the planet.
It also appears they’ve been studying Earth from 80 million lightyears away, where they have viewed dinosaurs roaming around on Earth with wild abandon.
However, the aliens weren’t compensating for light refracting from Earth and reaching the alien planet 80 million lightyears away (a process in physics known as rear-wheel drive). Essentially meaning the aliens have been watching an old movie of Earth.
Explaining this for the layperson (i.e. stupid people), it’s like they’ve been watching Jurassic Park (1993) instead of catching up with Jurassic World Dominion (2022).
Mr. Smith was quizzed by the aliens over where all the dinosaurs were. He told us:
“They were getting real pissy about it, so I told them to go to the cinema to watch that Jurassic World film. I told them there were loads of dinosaurs in that. That seemed to calm ’em down a bit. But when they came back they were even more pissed off, they was.”
The aliens were outraged for two reasons:
- The dinosaurs are clearly CGI recreations and not real dinosaurs
- The film isn’t very good
Worse yet for humanity, the aliens are now threatening to sue Earth for “false advertising” under the Intergalactic Black Hole Court. It appears under the Black Hole Court, under The Planetary Advertising of Species and Livelihood Act 1974, we’re in a spot of bother:
“All planets, currently habitable or otherwise, must display CLEARLY through space advertising that previous civilizations and/or species that once roamed the planet (but are now extinct or elsewhere) are no longer inhabiting the planet.”
As Earth has singularly failed to do this and, in fact, promoted lots of dinosaur films like the Jurassic World franchise, we’re in direct breach of the Act.
This can result in an enormous fine and general annihilation. Page 44 million of The Planetary Advertising of Species and Livelihood Act 1974 under section 77,001 (s) states:
“Should a planet be found guilty of breaching this Act, there should be a fine of all the water on the planet being sucked up for use on another planet with a giant space hoover. The offending planet should then be obliterated with a giant space gun.”
It appears humanity is now facing its darkest moment.
We must either prove there are dinosaurs still walking this Earth (which there aren’t… unless you count donkeys) or face annihilation.
Type of Aliens
The aliens are at once highly advanced, but stupid. They can travel across space in advanced spaceships, yet fail to realise they were making the journey somewhat pointlessly.
And now they’re here they’ve worked themselves into a tiff over their mistake.
The grown up thing to do would be to admit they’ve messed up and head back to their home planet. Instead, they’re trying to sue us over something that isn’t really our fault.
It isn’t fair. But then not much is across the Universe, so we must play our best card to ensure our survival.
Alien Threat Level Rating
Maxed out 10/10. These aliens are angry and want justice through the legal system.
What worse combination could there ever be? Some pompous tossers pursuing an ego boost through the high court… grief.
Alien Abduction Experience
Mr. Smith has indicated he found the experience “weird” and just wants to get back to:
- Playing FIFA on his PlayStation 5
- Pulling birds on Tinder
- Eating Pot Noodles
When asked if he was concerned about if the planet would be exterminated, he simply responded with his own question:
“Will there be any fit birds left?”
We told him ostriches are extremely fit, being able to sustain a speed of around 30mph for over 26 miles and do so in 40 minutes or less. That, of course, would depend on if the ostrich species survived the planet being exploded by a space gun.
Mr. Smith was not best pleased by our response. Rightly so. Ostriches deserve to be preserved, too!
The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict
Thankfully, as we closed to press, we found this alien species was greatly satisfied once they were introduced to donkeys.
The UN invited them down to Earth and left them to interact with the domesticated hoofed mammal of the horse family. It appears, by the good grace of God, they believe donkeys to be highly impressive and terrifying dinosaurs.
They’ve since dropped all legal charges, settling out of court with a shipment of 375,000 donkeys they’ll be shipping via cargo back to their home planet.
This is a most welcome development and ensures the safety of humanity for, at least, one more day.