A despicable species of alien is currently terrorising Earth by abducting human beings and forcing them to do the aliens’ dirty dishes.

The lazy aliens flew 33 lightyears to avoid the chore, thusly highlighting one of the greatest predicaments in the Universe—even if you’ve got the technology to fly across space and time, someone’s still gotta do the dishes.

And that someone now appears to be the human race. Which is why it’s time to FIGHT BACK against these bastards!

The Alien Abductees: John, Simon, Susan, Stuart, Sarah, Bruno, Kev, Callum, Fred, and Freda of Bolton, Greater Manchester

Professional Moron spoke to some 10 of the abductees who contacted us with their stories; all were reduced to tears (or thereabouts—Kev was drunk and partying).

The 45 year old housewife mother of four, Susan, told us:

“I don’t mind doin’ the dishes. I do ’em all the time at ‘ome. But them BASTARD aliens abducted me and took me back to their spaceship and FORCED me to do their dishes for THIRTEEN days straight! They kept injectin’ me with a drug of some sort that meant I was full of energy and them BASTARDS kept havin’ parties and there were hundreds of thousands of dishes and I ‘ad to do all of ’em!”

Susan then broke off into floods of tears. As she wouldn’t shut up, we eventually decided to just hang up on her.

John, Simon, Stuart, Sarah, Bruno, Callum, Fred, and Freda all confirmed the above tale of woe. All were injected with an unknown alien super drug, which is capable of:

• Ensuring humans stay awake and alert for weeks on end without the need to:
  • Eat
  • Sleep
  • Use the bathroom
  • Do anything interesting (unless you believe washing the dishes is of considerable entertainment)
• Ensuring the humans do the dishes

The alien species, described as slender four feet giraffe-shaped beings of the colour pink, appears to enjoy revelry, partying, and throwing mass feasts.

As such, the extent of the dirty dishes created requires an army of human beings working 24/7 to ensure enough plates, spoons, knives, forks etc. are constantly readily available for merrymaking.

John, Simon, Stuart, Susan, Sarah, Bruno, Callum, Fred, and Freda all reported seeing hundreds of other human beings on the spaceship. Simon, the 55 year old bus driver, told us:

“I spoke to one bloke, he said he was called Jeff, who claimed to have been there for thirty fives years doing the alien dishes. He was a Bolton lad, like me. His story seemed to stack up like clean dishes, if you pardon the pun. And I mean ‘was’, because he’d done so many dishes his body had partially evolved into a kitchen sponge. It was real sad to see… but also kinda funny.”

Eventually, John, Simon, Stuart, Susan, Sarah, Bruno, Callum, Fred, and Freda were returned to Earth after a three-month long ordeal.

The aliens were “knackered out”, as they described to the group, after 35,500 years of relentless feasting.

Having decided to take a year-long hiatus to sleep things off, they reported they’ll be back in 2023 to harvest more hapless humans for dish scrubbing.

This terrifying prospect is the core of the matter… HOW do we put a stop to this!?

Type of Aliens

Savages of the most appalling order, these alien beings are gluttonous and lazy.

Entitled to the extreme, they don’t see the need to clean up after themselves. Indeed, a few lessons in A Monk’s Guide to a Clean House and Mind are in order!

However, we doubt they’d even GLANCE at a book like that, let alone read it.

The aliens are the equivalent of a bunch of 18 year old new university students arriving at halls of residence for the first time.

They’re young, excitable, dumb, and don’t know what they’re doing. Result? Lots of dirty dishes that sit in the sink like that scene from Withnail & I.

Alien Threat Level Rating

Almost incalculable to comprehend. Should this species want to harvest all seven billion of us for future partying over the next 35,500 years… why, all of humanity’s goals would be ended in an instant!

Just think about it. Let the terror sink in. That means:

• No further Jurassic World films!
• The end of the 50 Shades book series!!
• No more episodes of Coronation Street!!!
• The Archers on Radio 4 would come to an end!!!!

That brief list alone was enough for us to fall to our knees… and weep.

Alien Abduction Experience

Unsurprisingly, the motley crew of hardened Lancashire folk weren’t best pleased with the events of their dish washing sojourn.

“It were shit!”

Those are the words of Kev, 19, who works as a lavatory attendant in Bolton’s premier nightclub (which we, legally, can’t name here).

And if he didn’t like it, you can rest assured seven billion other human beings wouldn’t be happy about it, either!

Again, except for anyone who actually enjoys doing the dishes. Then we guess it might be more enjoyable.

The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict

Climate change? Nuclear war? Population explosion? Asteroid hitting the Earth? Eco-catastrophe?

All of those issues pale in comparison to a perpetual mound of dirty dishes.

This is the greatest test humanity has ever had to face. And we’re all out of ideas at the moment… unless we can build an army of dish washing robots, or something.

We don’t know what this means if there’s no solution by 2023…

But maybe, just maybe, if you’re one of those sorts who leaves the dishes and never does them—through laziness and entitlement! Maybe it’s just about time to start doing them.

As unless there’s a solution pretty soon, you’ve got 35,500 years of dish scrubbing ahead of you! Better get some prep in now before it’s too late.