Welcome to Ryan’s, we specialise in rubbish roof repairs! Why are we celebrating our incompetence? Because we’re the world’s ONLY roof repair business with a team of fully functioning robots!
That’s right, Ryan’s Rubbish Roof Repair Robots Ltd. is the best in the business when it comes to fixing roofs with specially created robots.
Book now to get a *bzzzzzt* offer. Get it!? No? Okay, it’s time to meet the team!
Ryan’s Rubbish Robots
Our design genius, Dr. Blemish, is responsible for our team of TWO state-of-the-art robots. Check them out!
Fiddlesticks the Destroyer
Our lead robot, the 30ft tall Fiddlesticks the Destroyer, is prone to bouts of intemperate, uncontrollable rage.
Capable of blasting electronic laser bolts between its massive robot fists, it’s destroyed many more roofs then it’s repaired!
It’s a bit like that one from RoboCop the 1987 film. Except Dr. Blemish’s invention doesn’t really do much good in the world.
Why don’t we sack it, you ask? As we’re goddamn terrified of the bastard.
Fiddlesticks once destroyed our entire business premises when we asked it to work an hour of overtime. Think about how it’d respond if we fired it!
Besides, it’s also very effective for dealing with (i.e. scaring off) disgruntled customers (of which there are many) angry about our service.
Im300 is a basic model of 5ft by 3ft. It has been programmed to wave its arms around erratically while making bleeping and blooping noises.
The robot doesn’t actually do anything relating to roof repairs.
It just looks quite cute and its arm waving is a distraction device, making customers focus on it instead of whatever the largely out of control Fiddlesticks the Destroyer is up to.
About Mad Genius Dr. Blemish
Dr. Blemish is rarely seen at work, or in public, and spends most of his days in a cellar creating robots. I’ve seen him. And he’s covered in acne, which is apt given his surname.
He’s currently working on a third robot for Ryan’s, which is intended to deal with the customer complaints we receive.
That’s for 99% of our customers, who always have something to whinge about relating to their roof and how Fiddlesticks has detonated it or something.
Ryan the CEO
Also, there’s me—your friendly CEO! Well, I’m friendly so long as you pay up on time. If you don’t pay up, I’ll get Dr. Blemish to programme Fiddlesticks the Destroyer to come after you. You’ve been warned.
And don’t even THINK about leaving a 1/5 review on TrustPilot.
Again, we’ll just get Fiddlesticks on your case. You really don’t want an angry 30ft monster of a robot bearing down on you. It’s goddamn terrifying, I can assure you.
How Ryan’s Rubbish Roof Repair Robots Works
Give us a call on 0001-0001-0001-BZZT. For that, you get a free 30-minute consultation with myself, Ryan, and Fiddlesticks the Destroyer.
Once we’re aware of the nature of your roof issue, the process goes like this:
- We despatch Fiddlesticks the Destroyer and Im300
- They’ll survey the damage to your property
- Depending on its mood, Fiddlesticks will begin to:
- Blast laser bolts from its fists
- Utterly demolish your property
- Annihilate every building within a three-mile radius
- Fix your roof (there’s a 2.1% probability of this occurring)
- We bill you for our services—you have 12 hours in which to respond (or else!)
We also offer a supplementary service FOR FREE! Im300 will check if your husband is a robot. That’s if you have a husband. If you don’t, you can wave this freebie.
After that, you bask safely in the knowledge there’s nothing you can do about anything. Because we have Fiddlesticks the Destroyer and you don’t.
And don’t even think about calling the police about any on-the-job rampages from our lead robot.
The last person who did… well. The army was called out, then an international incident was declared (you probably remember it on the news), and then there was a government coverup as Fiddlesticks obliterated all before it.
A hefty bribe got us to back down and return to roof repairs, rather than surging onward for world domination, glory, and all that comes with it.
So, think about it! By using Ryan’s Rubbish Roof Repair Robots you’re saving the human race! Give us a call: 0001-0001-0001-BZZT.