You may have noticed it’s bloody hot right now. In the UK, we’re experiencing temperatures (see the Brits and a heatwave) the likes of which we’ve never seen before. That means… we want to write some beautiful haikus about the occasion!
The Hottest Heatwave Haiku
Yes, we’ve done a summer haiku special before. But this one is different.
Get yourself an ice lolly and bask in the glory of perspiration and poetry! It’s not the end of days, but you probably do stink of BO. 🥵
Handling the Heatwave
Oh my god this bloody heatwave,
It makes me want to go and live in a cave,
But I’m British and so instead will go on a drunken rave.
Whining About “Snowflakes” Highlighting the Heat
I find it easy to handle the heat,
So I am going to send out a really pompous Tweet,
I would… but my buttocks are stuck to this leather driver’s seat.
Cooling Down in the Heat
I just drank a litre of cooling beer,
And that proves to my mates I ain’t no queer,
My British beer gut I hold to me deer.
Back in my day it weren’t ever like this,
Oh, except for the summer of 1976,
When you could be as racist and homophobic as you wanted without no WOKE (oh, except for Mary Whitehouse… but better not mention that, it’s bad for me narrative).
Spot of Tennis?
Me and my mates went for a game of tennis,
One of them was my best friend Dennis,
He got heatstroke and became a bloody menace.
The Climate Change Hoax
Climate change is definitely a hoax,
Just listen to all of the old folks,
And everything they’ve learned from the soaps.
Ice Cream in the Heat
Oh, I really do like ice cream,
Although it makes me stretch my favourite jeans,
I blame it on my bad genes.
What? No Air Con!?
“Why don’t homes in Britain have air-conditioning?” Asked the New York Times,
Well, it’s punishment for all our crimes,
Such as drinking Bovril instead of fine wines.
Purchasing an Electric Fan
Panic buying fans is the new norm,
And it’s as quick and easy as filling out an online form,
But later returning it when there’s a snowstorm.
Keep the Receipt!
My mother always said to, “Keep the receipt!”,
On and on about it she would bleat,
But mine went and melted in all the heat.
The Summer of 1976
I’d just like to remind everyone about the summer of 1976,
It were really hot back then as well,
And I thought it were really swell.
Mass Heatwave Fires
Okay, so there weren’t no nationwide fires in the summer of ’76,
But there were loads and loads of invading ships!
Oh wait, no, I were thinking of the Battle of Hastings in 1066.
Other Bad Stuff From T’Olden Days
Eeeeeee, all these snowflakes whining about 40°C,
Back in my day you’d wake up and it were 70°C!
Then you was thrashed to sleep every night by your drunk dad and his belt (and it were 100°C by then an’ all)
More Bad Stuff From T’Olden Days
There were a war on, you know! It were called WWII,
It were so scary it made you need the loo,
Now these youngsters see 40°C and they need to poo.
40°C: Blighty’s World Beating Best
Britain leads the way with 40°C,
The rest of the world is shamefaced and on its knees,
And that means we’re sticking up our international trading fees.
WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!
IN A HEATWAVE IT IS BEST TO STAY CALM!
Rather than run around screaming like it’s Vietnam,
Better to shut up, sit down, and eat some lip balm.