Alien Abduction Diary #15: Aliens Seeking Posh British Butlers

Space Jeeves the space butler

Those pesky aliens have been at it again! Abductions in Q3 2022 have focussed on posh British butlers who work for upper-class types.

Many of the butlers go by the name of Jeeves.

Professional Moron was on the case fast to investigate the crux of the matter and the threat rating of these slobbering overlords (the aliens, not the butlers).

The Alien Abductees: Various Butlers Whom Go By the Name of Jeeves (all 50+)

There have been 354 butler abductions in recent months. We caught up with all of the victims, who were shared information about their experiences.

We asked many questions to the first Jeeves we spoke to. This was his response:

“It was an alien abduction. Nevertheless, it was one carried out with great sophistication. It was a joint effort of the aforementioned aliens to abduct many butlers. What else can I do for you, sir?”

Truth be told, Jeeves #1 didn’t provide the amount of details we were looking for. As such, we rushed to speak to another Jeeves for greater details. Jeeves #2 had this to say:

“It was an alien abduction, sir. Nevertheless, it was just the once. It was a joint effort of the aforementioned aliens to abduct many butlers. What else can I do for you, sir?”

Other than a few variations (e.g. the addition of a singular “sir” at the beginning of his discourse—points off Jeeves #1 for failing to include that), it was more or less the same answer. Verbatim.

We caught up with Jeeves #3 and he said this:

“The alien abduction was completed successfully, sir. Nevertheless, it was just the once. It was a joint effort of the aforementioned aliens to abduct many butlers. What else can I do for you, sir?”

We contacted The International Butlers Association to find out what was going on with these stupid answers. We received this response:

“Regarding your note, the aforementioned butlers are merely resorting to their butler etiquette training. All butlers hold the highest standards of butler training. It is a rigorous profession. What else can I do for you, sir?”

Annoyed, we randomly chose Jeeves #256 for another response about his abduction. He said this:

“The alien abduction was completed successfully, sir. Nevertheless, sir, it was just the once, sir. It was a joint effort, sir, of the aforementioned aliens to abduct many butlers, sir. What else, sir, can I, sir, do for you, sir?”

Jeeves #256 is, apparently, new to the butler profession and is compensating for his lack of experience by overusing formalities.

We then contacted all the other Jeeves and had analogous responses.

It was then apparent butler etiquette was going to ruin any opportunity to gain an understanding on the nature of these alien abductions.

Frustrated, we dressed up as butlers and wandered the streets of Manchester at night in the hopes of being abducted. However, we were simply arrested by the police for loitering.

Type of Aliens

Unknown. The idiotic butlers are unwilling to divulge any proper information as they’re clinging to their training.

We even tried plying one Jeeves with drink to loosen his tongue.

All that happened was he, when highly inebriated and lying prone on the floor, kept repeating, “What else can I do for you, sir?” Poor sad git.

Alien Threat Level Rating

Butlers aren’t in particularly high demands these days. That’s why people have husbands—they’re there to be ordered around, are we right, ladies and gents!? Oh yeah!

Regardless, the persistence of the aliens to abduct butlers is of concern to the upper classes.

If there were no more butlers, it would mean they’d have to stop being so goddamn lazy and do ordinary things for themselves for once.

As such, it’s of grave concern to the overprivileged and obscenely wealthy. We recommend the UK government pours pointless budget and resources into ensuring the already rich get a better time of it.

Alien Abduction Experience

The butlers don’t seem overly concerned by their collective experiences. In fact, they remain stoic and indifferent.

We later heard Jeeves #77 had an alien being erupt from his chest like in that 1979 film Alien. Jeeves #76 informed us:

“Jeeves #77, whilst beholding the alien being snarling and drenched in his stomach entrails, enquired, ‘What else can I do for you, sir?’ The alien promptly spat acid into his face and devoured him. I must commend Jeeves #77 for his utmost professionalism.”

The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict

Having spoken to all 354 butlers, dealing with their fastidious responses has led us to a most pertinent conclusion. Sod them.

If the aliens want our butlers, they can have the lot of them.

Seriously, you ask butlers questions and they all repeat the same guff over and over. Like they’re trained to do it, or something.

Alien beings may well be the greatest threat to humanity. But subservient lollygagging in the name of toffs is not too far behind.

33 comments

  1. Not many people know that butlers themselves are alien life forms. As it is a nonorganic matrix, and thus does not breed, we are actually forced to ship them from the planet of hothouses in which they are first forced (say that five times fast).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My mom had an alien butler.
    It was copper with a cool etched motif. A long handle with filigree work completed the design. A flip top, operated by the thumb opened the butler’s lid. Therein all ashtrays could be emptied.
    No ifs, ands, or buts this was one happening invention.

    Liked by 1 person

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