Brought to you by Nina’s Nebula Nail Bar & Space Station, here Haley’s Hopeless Hair Drying Company Ltd. offers the ALL NEW way to dry your hair!
No more spending 20 minutes with your hair dryer. No more sitting out in the sun and waiting. NO MORE SPLIT ENDS! Just in, out, and a quick blast of searing heat. Perfect results every time GUARANTEED!
Haley’s State of the Art Hair Drying Services
Hi there! I’m Haley, a CEO and owner of a big head of hair. How do I keep it so dry all the time? I use Haley’s Hopeless Hair Drying Company Ltd.
That’s right! So impressed am I with my own company, I use my own hair drying services! Because before I founded Haley’s Hopeless Hair Drying Company Ltd. my life was in ruin. It’d take DAYS for my hair to dry, ruining my love life and career prospects.
I’d wake each morning and wail, “I CAN’T GO ON LIKE THIS!” So, I did something about it… and now you can BE JUST LIKE ME! With a dry head of hair, incredibly successful, and perfect in every single way! Here’s how it works:
- Book your appointment (and hurry the hell up with that, ok?)
- Turn up to our comfy headquarters (it has a sofa in the waiting area)
- Prove to us your hair is wet and mangy (photo ID will suffice, such as a valid passport or driver’s licence)
- Pay us for the upcoming service
- Get fitted out with a straightjacket and muzzle
- You’ll be led out back
- Brace yourself
- Our team of expert hair dryers will blast you with flamethrowers
- Our CEO, Haley, will personally get out a mirror to show you what remains of your charred being
- You return home feeling more satisfied than ever before!
The beauty of Haley’s Hopeless Hair Drying Company Ltd. is the simplicity. You turn up with wet hair. You leave with no wet hair!
Never suffer the public shame of turning up to work with slightly unkempt hair ever again! Book in at Haley’s to go from ignominy to immolation in seconds!
Frequently Asked Questions
In case you have any questions about our service, please refer to our assortment of Q&As below to slake your hair-based desires.
What’s with the straightjacket and muzzle?
Many of our customers begin panicking once they realise they’re about to be blasted with flamethrowers. For your own safety, the straightjacket is there to keep you safe.
The muzzle is to dim out the din—namely, your annoying wailing and shrieking. We don’t want our employees getting hearing damage and taking time off work. So, the muzzle makes you shut up for the good of everyone.
Doesn’t your service induce third-degree burns and death?
Sometimes, yes! And it’s all part of our award-winning service!
Why should I use your dangerous service when I have a hair dryer?
Yes, but is your hair dryer capable of frazzling your hair instantaneously for that ultra-professional, searing sheen? Of course it isn’t, stupid!
Is any of this actually legal?
Of course not! That’s why we function on the black market!
I’m going to report you to the police!
Don’t even think about it, dipshit! We’ll come round your place and rough you up a bit and burn down your property! Bwa. Bwahaha!
Haley could start a sister company for Hopeless Hair Dying Company Ltd. – industrial strength chemical dyes that may cause chemical burns and death, as well as hair colors you totally didn’t expect! Haley can repurpose the straightjackets and muzzles to save on equipment costs of business expansion
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That is a tremendous idea. Suspiciously tremendous. Hmmm… have you done this before!?! I recognise that lunatic business spirit from the very best.
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I’ve only dyed a friend’s hair once. It was not a success, although I am pleased to say that she survived the experience, is not bald, and still talks to me. If Haley needs a consultant for her next business venture, give her my info!
As a victim of male pattern balding, I must say your hair dye adventures do not appeal to me. Anyway, I’ve asked Haley if she’s interested in your plans but she’s currently too drunk to respond. Please try again in 48 hours.
Oh, I WAS wondering how you kept your hair so beautifully dry! I’ve always had this problem with being wet behind the ears, and it just wreaks HAVOC with the little curls in front, there. Do you have a service that will just char those areas of my head?
This doesn’t really affect me due to male pattern balding. But the service is available for everyone else who enjoys third-degree burns.
Your pattern balding is over the ears??? 😱