Some human males have an irrational fear of mother-in-laws. This can lead to bouts of hysterics (often cheese-based) from the human male, which can result in:
- Hiding in the closet when the mother-in-law visits
- The total collapse of civilization through fear
It’s important human females ensure human males overcome this fear. Thus, we advise you follow the agony aunt advice today to ensure mother-in-laws don’t take over society. As that’d be, like, real bad for scaredy pants geezers.
Some Mothers Do Have Mother-in-Law Superpowers
Dear agony aunt. My name is Kerry and my husband is Barry. My mother-in-law is called Kerri, which gets a bit confusing sometimes. And it's not helped by my daughter. She's called Keri, plus our other daughter is called Carrie. Anyway, that's caused some tension between Barry and Kerri (mother-in-law), because it's she who wanted to keep this family name tradition going. Many previous generations have had the name Kerry or Kerri and my mother, Barry's mother-in-law, wants that tradition to keep going. But Barry thinks it's "confusing" and "nuts". Kerri responded by kicking Barry in the nuts during a heated argument. That was last year. Now, 12 months later, Barry is still scared rigid of Kerri and he hides in the cupboard whenever she visits. Like, last month my mum stayed in the house for a week while she was overcoming a bout of leprosy. Barry hid in the cupboard all week. When my mum left I found Barry in a desperate state, covered in his bodily functions and surviving off a rat that'd crawled into the cupboard one night. He (Barry, not the rat) took one look at me and began wailing in horror. Since recovering, he tried selling the rights of his story to book publishers. To my shock, they took him up on it. The book's called Mother-in-Law: 14 days stuck in a cupboard. Apparently there's going to be a film of it, too, with Brad Pitt starring as my husband... I mean, I wish Barry did look like Brad Pitt, but I mean the male pattern balding and beer gut mean I'd have to be really drunk to think he was a Hollywood hunk. Anyway, if it means I get to meet Brad Pitt that's great. I'll ask him how to solve this whole mother-in-law situation. Because I'm all outta ideas! What do you think? Should I tell Kerri not to kick Barry in the testicles, or is that an A-OK action in this modern day feminist world? Thanks, Kerry
Hello Kerry. In situations with irksome mother-in-laws, what you need to acquire is a common dump truck. The type you see on construction sites hauling gravel.
Once you have acquired one of these vehicles, you can use it to dump masses of gravel onto your mother’s premises (driveway, back garden, front garden etc.).
This’ll ensure she gets the message. The message being, “Stop being irksome, or there’ll be loads of gravel to contend with.”
You’ll be pleased to hear this is the Brad Pitt Technique patented means of dealing with difficult mother-in-laws. Although, to be clear, it’s probably not the Brad Pitt you’re thinking of.
Instead, we’re referring to construction site owner Brad Pitt from Bolton of Greater Manchester, who’s in the possession of Beer Gut of the Year and thinks gravy stains on his vest are macho.
Regardless, that’s a simple few steps to marital bliss:
- Dump truck
- Brad Pitt
Simple and effective every single time. Although, please note, we’ve never actually seen any outcome to the Brad Pitt Technique except divorce and legal proceedings for vandalism. Please pursue at your own leisure.