In the world of chess, wounds are the most feared outcome of the game. Many of these injuries are life-changing and life-threatening (especially for those whom indulge in sky diving chess).

Others are totally inconsequential, but the real bone breakers are what we’re on about here today. As our chess champion in question is worried his career is over. What can we do to help?

How to Heal Horrifying Chess Injuries

Disclaimer: Ignore our medical advice. It is awful and incorrect.

Dear Dr. Moron. My name is Geronimo Michael Markus and I'm a Chess Champion from Bolton of Greater Manchester. Recently, my chess playing has resulted in much horror. It's one of the most dangerous sports in the world, of course, prone to burst eyeballs and sudden onset brain implosions (Dr Moron Notes: The layman means a haemorrhage) and gangrene.

My methodical routine has ensured I've avoided injuries in my career. But now I am getting older, and I am not so sharp at 42, the injuries are creeping in. In this order:

- My right hand thumb was hacked off when I miscalculated a game winning bishop takes pawn move (the tension got to me... IT WAS TOO MUCH!!).
- I lost my left arm in a misjudged, and decisive, Queen takes King manoeuvre.
- At the start of one match, I ploddingly move all my pawns one space forward from left to right in a show of staggering lack of creative heft. I burst into tears once all the pawns had moved one space forward.
- My ankles were shattered when the chess table, where my opponent and I were seated, collapsed on us. My opponent escaped with merely a severed leg.

As you can see, the injuries are mounting up. I'm concerned this may be the end of my career. BUT I AM NOT READY TO GIVE UP!

No.

I vow, as PRAWNS AS MY WITNESS, to battle on to become a Chess Champion again before I turn 50! It is my destiny. Can you recommend herbal remedies to take me through to this great achievement? Yours, Geronimo Michael Markus

Greetings, Geronimo Michael Markus. If you think of that retro game Battle Chess and look at your own situation right now. Essentially, you are a martyr in the name of moving pieces across a block of wood whom has mastered his craft.

Sadly, the only advice we can offer to you at this stage of your career is this—retirement and seppuku by short sword to the abdomen.

It’s the only way to ensure your chess career doesn’t lead to your certain death.

Of course, seppuku is typically fatal. But there’s a small chance you might survive hacking your abdomen open, so rest your chances on that one.

But your may whimper this.

“But… but… but… I’m not ready to hack my guts out!”

Well, you precious little snowflake, stop your whining and think of it this way. It’s either that or you’ll have to take up darts.

Do you want to take up darts!?

Could your handle the shame!?

Exactly, so it’s either seppuku or you become a chess trainer. That’s the other alternative we just thought of, so we hope you’ve not gone and done our other suggestion.

Pick some young prodigy and train them up, perhaps to a montage track of something like The Prodigy’s Firestarter. Go forth a multiply!