Agony Aunt: “I miss my wife so I built a nagging robot…”

NaggoTron the nagging wife robot

Some human females wonder if their husband is a robot. But when a human female leaves a human male, the gaping chasm of loss is often too much for the latter to handle. This can lead to odd behaviour.

Such as today’s human male, who’s constructed for himself a nagging robot (“NaggoTron”) to replace his former wife’s relentless nagging. Indeed.

Nagging Does Not Compute For NaggoTron

Dear agony aunt. I've written this message for three reasons:

1 - To show off how amazing I am
2 - To market my product
3 - To slag off women

My wife of 10 years, Joanne, left me. She left me for a "better" man. I'm pretty amazing, I don't know what the stupid woman has a problem with...

Well, I do know. She told me: laziness, fecklessness, constant cheating, leering at other women, not using the bog brush with the toilet, lounging around grunting too much etc.

I just told her to stop nagging. She tutted and divorced me after my 10th affair. This is feminism, you know? They have a beast of a man like me to brighten up their lives and all you get is this shit!

At first I thought it was amazing to be free from the nagging woman. But, truth be told, though, I've missed her. So I built the NaggoTron! It's a fully integrated robot model packed with state-of-the-art nagging catchphrases. The robot is 5 feet tall with a womanly figure. It's programmed to nag once every 35 seconds. Some of its phrases include:

- "Take the bins out, husband!"
- "Do the dishes, darling!"
- "Does my bum look big in this?!"
- "Why are you going to the pub AGAIN, husband!?"
- "URGH! Watching football AGAIN, husband!?"

I've programmed it to sound like a Dalek. I test ran NaggoTron recently and it immediately made me forget about my beautiful ex-wife. 

Except for NaggoTron's issues, that is. It has an issue of stalling and buzzing out "DOES NOT COMPUTE!" and "BZZZZT!!" The wife never did anything like that. 

Then one day NaggoTron malfunctioned severely and went on a berserk nagging rampage. It tore through the neighbourhood and burst into many homes to find as many husbands as it could and nag them incessantly. The first I knew of this was when I heard much kerfuffle outside my £300,000 property with driveway and front and rear gardens. I peered from a window and saw numerous husbands standing indignant in the street shouting, with NaggoTron racing after them buzzing like a Dalek a mixture of "DOES NOT COMPUTE!" and "DO THE DISHES *BZZzT* HUSBAND!" over and over.

Then when the police arrived, NaggoTron charged at them buzzing "DO THE DISHES *BZZzT* HUSBAND! HUSBAND! HUSBAND!" and was gunned and tasered to the ground by the terrified coppers. Well I saw red at that and rushed outside to demand why they'd damaged my property!

Probably shouldn't have done that, because now it turns out I'm in trouble for civil unrest, antisocial behaviour, incitement to riot, and all sorts of other crap. I'm waiting on all the court cases of that to start. In the meantime, I've since fitted NaggoTron with a cattle prod and bazooka so it can defend itself against any man that attempts to attack it.

Shit... I guess that means I've gone all feminist.

Anyway, what do you reckon? Should I market this product? I think I should! It's brilliant. Thanks, Jeffrey

To note, we decided to hire one of Jeffrey’s robots and see how this thing would get on in the Professional Moron office. This is what transpired:

  • NaggoTron arrived, we unpacked it, and it began nagging us
  • Within 24 hours NaggoTron had malfunctioned and, at bazooka point, demanded repeatedly we do the dishes
  • NaggoTron chased us out of our office and down the road whilst repeatedly buzzing “DO THE DISHES!” like a Dalek
  • The British Army was called in to gun NaggoTron down when it was ascertained the robot posed a severe threat to society
  • We demanded our money back from Jeffrey

As such, we cannot recommend this product. It’s perhaps best to stick with your wife if you wish for the nagging to continue.


    • Uh oh… I had to idea about that. Star Trek beat me to it back in 1967, eh!? I sense an impending court case! I’m done for… it’ll be like a battle. Like some wars in the stars! I’ve got an idea for a new series of sci-fi films with the force, Skywalkers, and nagging.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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