Blue Peter is an annoyingly upbeat kids show that began life in 1958. And it’s still going now! But we don’t think there’s enough swearing in it.
That’s why we’re proposing Bloop Peter, a profane version of the show, to be hosted by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gordon Ramsey.
Bloop Peter will feature educational segments, guests, features, and relentless profanity. Get them started when they’re young! Outside of a spell in the army, these whippersnappers need toughening up for the big old wide world.
Kids TV With Profanity in Bloop Peter
Filmed in London of the UK, the show was supposed to have a 20-season run.
The opening sequence to Bloop Peter began with a ritual beheading of some random person, as performed by an on-set executioner.
With toddlers and other infants suitably enthralled by the blood and guts, the swearing commenced! Gangster rap opened the show proper, with Schwarzenegger and Ramsey beatboxing over the top and ad-libbing the most disgusting swear words they could imagine.
Whilst the channel’s switchboard lit up with complaints from outraged woke parents, Schwarzenegger then introduces the show’s first guest.
The guests ranged from all sorts of backgrounds, including the likes of:
- Justin Bieber
- Miley Cyrus
- Sigourney Weaver
- Samuel L. Jackson
- Leonardo DiCaprio
- Nicola Roberts from Girls Aloud
All guests were encouraged to be utterly disgusting on air, often repeating Big Arnie Noises and one-liners such as:
- “You cold blooded bastard!”
- “Fuck you asshole.”
- “You’re a fucking choirboy compared to me!”
- “You son of a bitch!”
- “Put the cookie down! NOW!”
Infants watching were encouraged to make notes on the types of cuss words and threats, noting the TOV and body posturing Schwarzenegger used.
Gordon Ramsey then moved into his weekly kitchen segment, where he encouraged the kids watching to cook up things like:
However, this segment was more about the relentless nature of Ramsey’s insults than learning cooking basics. Failure in the kitchen led to a personal drubbing from Ramsey to all the kids watching, leading to many runny nosed warbling sessions for parents to deal with.
And more switchboard complaints lighting up.
To conclude this segment, Schwarzenegger would join Ramsey in the kitchen and the pair began beatboxing and swearing again, joined by their guest for the week (such as Sigourney Weaver) who may, or may not, have pointed out the inappropriate nature of the show’s hosts and its content.
Anyone too woke for the show like that would be ejected off the premises immediately. And then another ritual execution by hanging, drawing, and quartering would take place from the on-set executioner.
Schwarzenegger would end the week’s show with his latest attempt at breakdancing, which often led to him writhing in agony on the floor and swearing his bloody head off.
Children watching were then encouraged to point and jeer at their TV screens whilst labelling Big Arnie a, “Stupid old git! Nah, nah, nah!”
Bloop Peter is Banned!!
Bloop Peter was cancelled after only three episodes of the expected 20-seasons due to being a “crime against humanity” (the words of many an angry parent).
Indeed, stampeding droves of parents took to the streets to angrily have words with anyone they came across in the street. The plan? To hunt down Schwarzenegger… and terminate him!
Sensing trouble, Arnold Schwarzenegger realised this one wasn’t a hit and decided to do a runner. Allegedly, he quipped to the Bloop Peter crew:
“Run! Go! Get to the chopper!”
He then fled the Bloop Peter premises to his private jet, whereupon he returned to America to start a new life through a secret identity (believed to be that of a metallic terminator, in-line with his pre-existing career).
Gordon Ramsey fled to his nearest kitchen and was able to placate the rowdy parental crowds with freshly baked scones and cucumber sandwiches.
In a seemingly related incident, after Bloop Peter’s cancellation England lost to France in the 2022 World Cup. Furious men took to the streets of London to smash shit up in a fury—it’s believed the end of Bloop Peter was the primary cause of this anarchy.
With London destroyed and another all-time classic show ruined by the woke, Bloop Peter will stand as a testament to the day freedom of speech finally died.