Speedos at Work: Laws Regarding Speedos in the Workplace

Speedos ruin the workplace

There are growing international concerns The Speedos at Work Act 1974 is no longer sufficient to manage the needs of employees wishing to wear speedos at work.

Speedos are an increasingly popular form of attire as part of any business’ dress code. As such, it’s good business practice to review your policy and ensure employees can strut their stuff in weird swimwear if they so wish.

Unfortunately, the aforementioned Act is a blockade of such a move. This is why a consolidated new Act is in the works for 2023 and beyond (as in, 2024, 2025, 2026, 2027, 2028, and probably event 2029 etc.).

The Law on Speedos in the Workplace

To be clear, The Speedos at Work Act 1974 indicates the difference between speedos and human male underpants.

“Speedos are swimwear. Underpants are for non-swimwear. Even if the human male wears the underpants with themselves into, for example, a bath, the underpants are still not classified as swimwear.”

Nor are speedos within the range of the excellent product UnderSwear (the obscene talking underpants). We always wear UnderSwear. Our lives would be in ruins without it (product placement sponsored by UnderSwear).

However, as aforementioned, the 1974 Act is no longer fit for purpose. In section 32 (a) on page 14,512 it states the following.

“Employees most not attend work wearing speedos. It does not matter how attractive they are. Whether the man bloke in question has a rippling physique or bulging beer belly, the clothing item is a distraction at the best of times.

At the worst of times it’s a cause of serious perversion.

As such, put in place a ban on speedos in your working environment. Flares? They are great. All clear on them. As are: frayed jeans, midi skirts, winkle picker shoes, ponchos, and hippy outfits. Just NO SPEEDOS.”

The 1974 Act creates an issue as it is no longer 1974. Since then, social mores have advanced to the stage speedos are socially acceptable.

It’s expected The Speedos at Work Act 1974 will consolidate with The Swimwear at Work Act 1974 to become The Bathing Costume Act 2023. This is in development, but is expected to lay down the law regarding:

  • All swimwear items, including swimming trunks.
  • Speedos.

It’s also expected speedos will be unbanned from wearing at work. This moment of great liberation is likely to be marked as one of the finest moments of Western history.

Right up there with the falling of the Berlin Wall.

Introducing a New Speedos Policy at Work

Statistics show at least 47% of employees wish to strut about, in the likes of office environments, wearing only speedos.

We spoke to one professional, Gerald (57) an IT manager for a major finance organisation in London, who told us his reasons.

“I’m just a bit weird, that’s why I want to do it.”

Once the new Act is in effect, you should look to draw up a new policy that embraces the change.

Encourage staff to arrive to week in only their favourite pair of speedos. You may also wish to increase the seaside feeling. Look to introduce the likes of:

  • Seagulls: Particularly those stomping seagulls, the pesky ones that steal your ice creams.
  • Flippers and lilos: Nothing says “this is an important work meeting” quite like your employees turning up pretty much naked whilst clutching an inflatable lilo. Watch as they back in with their flippers flopping away and beam in joy at the professionalism.
  • Sunburn: Install really, really bright lights to ensure the speedo wearer gets a nasty bout of sunburn.
  • Annoying drunk English blokes: Hire some sunburned English football hooligans to bellow football chants while slugging from beer.
  • Sand: You’ll need to buy several tonnes of sand to throw about the place across your working environment.

With a complete seaside feel, your human male employees will be able to relax into the day as they strut about in their tiny speedos.

This may not be what the rest of your business wants to see—a bloke’s junk barely contained in some tiny material—but it’s good business practice to follow employment law Acts verbatim. Otherwise you could face an unlimited fine and/or time in prison.

Ensuring Employees Don’t Wear Speedos on Their Heads

Pranks at work are a terrible thing and cause vast loss of income each year for businesses.

Some of your “jokester” employees may wish to subversively mock the ridiculousness of men waltzing around your business in nothing but speedos. Some may, as a joke, come into work wearing a pair of speedos on their heads.

These impertinent bastards should be punished for such an act.

If they do this, provide them with a written and verbal warning indicating they’re liable for gross misconduct, insubordination, and rent arrears (as you’ll be giving them a considerable pay cut).

Should they object, threaten them with instant dismissal.

Your punishment can then include disciplinary action, including providing a conference meeting to the entire company about the joys of wearing speedos. All whilst dressed in nothing but speedos.

Encourage his/her colleagues to point and laugh at the individual whilst they provide their presentation at the aforementioned conference.

Speedos are no laughing matter. Criticising them is a breach of the Equality Act 2010 and the new 10th protected characteristic, added in 2022 following on from the 9th:

“10 – Speedos: No individual must discriminate against any human male who attends work in only a pair of speedos.”

Follow the letter of the law or face a jail sentence. Business tip—it’s good business practice to avoid facing a jail sentence.

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