When the devil descends upon your working environment and becomes an employee, you may find your business struggling to adapt to His satanic ways.
Issues involving apocalyptic outbursts and searing hot temperatures can dent your workforce’s productivity.
However, should you manage the situation successfully the arrival of Satan at your business can result in long-term increases in revenue.
Employment Laws and the Devil
In the UK, legalisation regarding this matter is under The Satan at Work Act 1974. In section 143 (a) on page 13 of 14,567 the Act states:
“Should Satan become a full-time employee at your place of business, for the love of God immediately give him his own office. Irrespective of how lowly His position may well be.
Once ensconced in His own office, the devil will feel suitably powerful and will not incinerate all and sundry in an instant.
It is important to remember you are dealing with a being of despicable magnitude who will flip a lid over the most trivial matters. However, should the office be nice and plush, and you allow Him an hour-long lunch break, then you may spare your business from being cast into the bowels of Hell for all eternity.”
Although it’ll come across as favouritism and/or nepotism, the first thing you need to do is get that office set up for Satan. Do whatever is necessary:
- Bulldoze down a wall to get it on the way.
- Kick the CEO out of his personal office.
- Clear out an entire open-office housing most of your employees.
- Call in an emergency portaloo as a last resort.
Whatever you can think of. Even if it means sticking Satan into a utility closet with the photocopier, tell Him it’s His office and make sure you stick a sign on the door.
“Satan’s Office: Back Off. Or Else!!”
Something like that. Failure to do this within the first 30 minutes of Satan’s first day will almost certainly result in the apocalypse.
How Your Business Can Thrive During the Apocalypse
In the event of the apocalypse, induced by your satanic new arrival, you should not panic and immediately lay off your workforce in order to protect your riches.
Instead, view the event as a money-making opportunity. As bedlam breaks out, you can expect the following:
- Enormous fireballs and explosions.
- People running around with their arms in the air whilst screaming.
- Your premises collapsing in a heap.
- Wanton looting across your devastated community.
- Satan, your employee, performing relentless evil laughs.
During this time, adapt your business model to accommodate for the end of days.
For example, if you’re a business handling insurance packages you can evolve your services to include Apocalypse Insurance with a policy to protect individuals from:
- Hellish infernos.
- Demonic demons.
- Searing hot branding irons up their backsides.
- Tinnitus due to ongoing evil laughs from demons.
Charge a lucrative premium for such a policy, as panicking citizens will be eager to splash out on life-preserving policies whilst they’re ablaze.
For more mundane businesses, such as if you run a corner shop, ensure you charge ultra-high rates for things such as bottles of water.
With the increase in temperatures, people will be thirstier than normal and eager to spend vast amounts of money to slake that desire.
Handling Promotion Requests From Satan
Apocalypse or otherwise, your satanic employee will begin badgering you for promotions within two hours of His first day.
This may frustrate your more loyal employees and/or managers and/or stakeholders. However, remind them this is Satan you’re dealing with and it’s wise to kowtow to his demands to avoid the total destruction of your business.
We suggest promoting Satan before lunchtime, so He can enjoy a nice cucumber sandwich at lunch with a cup of coffee and natter with his new colleagues.
Before the end of the day, make sure you promote Him again to a much more senior role with at least a six-figure salary.
That’s regardless of His skill level.
It may seem like a waste of money, but then that’s in keeping with the obscene wage packages for higher management figures in general, most of whom don’t really do that much but like to pretend they do and so rake in pointless amounts of money due to harbouring misguided notions of skillset superiority.
Don’t mention that to Satan, though, or he may burn you to the ground.
How Your Employees Must Interact With Their Satanic Co-Worker
Due to The Satan at Work Act 1974 it’s mandatory for your employees to make some effort to get on with their despicable co-worker. As execrable as He may be, it’s important to make Him feel welcome in order to escape his demented, fiery wrath.
Remember, Satan will think nothing about torching His colleagues alive if they so much as give Him a funny look.
That can cost you significant overhead as you’ll need to keep employing new members of staff, some of whom may face immolation from Satan shortly after joining the business.
You don’t want to enter a world of pain with your recruitment strategy.
As such, ensure you train employees in the ways of how to manage working alongside the most putrescent being in the entirety of the Universe. Namely:
- Don’t make direct eye contact. Ever.
- Always laugh at Satan’s jokes (no matter how bad they are).
- Wear full hazmat suits to deal with His extreme temperatures and general, horrific, all-encompassing stench.
- Use earplugs to drown out Satan’s continuous evil laughs.
To note, Satan will perform at least 2,321 evil laughs throughout the course of any given day. This can be disruptive in important meetings, during lunch, or for anyone needing to concentrate.
In this instance, you must indulge His desire to laugh like a madman.
The earplugs will be of some assistance, but be aware His extreme heat can cause the earplugs to melt within the confines of your employees’, respective, ear canals.
Whilst your staff members may panic about this development, calm them down and assure them the permanent ear blockage will prevent them from having to continuously remove the earplugs. Plus, it prevents your business from having to provide new ones each day and/or in the event your employees lose them.
This can save you at least £200 in overhead over the course of any given business year or apocalyptic outbreak.
Satan can run the BBQ at work. This will be great for employee engagement!
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I agree fully. Anything involving heat or searing agony, Satan’s your man! He always gets the job done.
Satan should be running the mandatory Zoom calls committee. If that isn’t a bunch of searing agony, I don’t know what is
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Oh yeah! No “You’re on mute!” with Satan around. Incinerated on the spot. The mute button will be banned outright to avoid it.
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Hire Archangel Michael!!!!!!!
Give him the office next to Satan.
Sell tickets to the event of their first meeting! You’ve got to come out ahead on this one.
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Archangel Michael sounds a bit dangerous to be honest, not sure we need that level of antagonism in the working environment. Satan is fine, just no archangels.