Agony Aunt: “What do I get my spoiled wife for Christmas!?”

A Karen wife getting spoiled about not having good Christmas presents

Some human females have a Karen complex. This is where they’re haughty, obnoxious, spoiled, and fond of stuff like champagne on toast for breakfast.

If your human female wife is a champagne on toaster, then Christmas can be one absolute SOB. What do you get for the woman who has everything!?

Well, agony aunt is here to help with a list of present ideas you will obey.

When a Haughty Lady Loves Materialism

Dear agony aunt. I've been married to my wife, Linday (20), for two years. This is our third Christmas together. Truth be told, I married her because she's fit. Like a trophy wife. She's got the looks, but she isn't what you'd call a "nice" person to be around.

I'm 50, fat, balding and ugly. I won her over with my charm and vast amount of wealth. I used to tell myself each morning, when I caught her in bed staring at me in disgust, that it was the charm that won her over.

Now I'm more inclined to believe it was my wealth, acquired after I won £500,000 on the National Lottery when I was 18. I used the cash to enter another 15,000 National Lottery tickets for £37,500 and then won a cool £150 million! Happy days.

Flaunting the cash, I rapidly gained vast amounts of weight when I lived the successful lifestyle. Nevertheless, the birds were keen on me. But I chose my wife, Danielle, over the rest because she's like a 11/10 in the looks and I'm a shallow SOB like that.

Personality wise, she's a massive wanker.

And she's a total bitch at Christmas. I spoil her all year long, so by the time it gets to Christmas Day it doesn't matter if I've splashed out a cool million on her she always has this massive temper tantrum. I got her this pet giraffe last year and she freaked out and called me a, "Massive son of a bitch!" I'd also got her a £10,000 fur coat and £20,000 shoes made out of the finest chargrilled tofu with activated charcoal. She slapped me and took a month long holiday in Bermuda using a stolen credit card.

To make matters worse, the giraffe escaped from its cage and ate all my expensive hedges across my many acres of land.

I'm dreading this year. WTF is she going to do now!? Thoughts?

Cheers, Jeremy

Hi Jeremy. It is apparent your human female has been channelling her inner bitch. Human females like this need a subtle reminder of normal, everyday living. We recommend you get her some really crap presents. Bring her crashing back down to Earth.

Our recommendations for this include:

  • Eyebrow razors.
  • Tickets for a weekend away in Bolton of Greater Manchester.
  • Personalised branding irons.
  • 27 packets of cigarettes.
  • A bag of onions.
  • A man-kini.
  • Hire a personal bodyguard.
  • Anti-wrinkle cream (many tubs of the stuff).
  • A pet monkey called Charles.
  • A beer belly bum bag (fanny pack).

We highly recommend the beer belly bum bag. Tell her to wear it as a shining endorsement of your love for you (and your beer belly).

Should your wife have a temper tantrum about these gifts… well, we’re not really sure what to do in that situation. Divorce? Perhaps a bit drastic. Threaten to castrate yourself with the garden shears? Again, a little OTT. Tell her you’re taking up polygamy to trial run several new husbands/wives to find someone less needy? Again, maybe not the best course of action.

Ultimately, your marriage is still young.

By the time Lindsay turns 21, perhaps she’ll have a new perspective on life and a magnanimous desire to move beyond individualistic materialism. People change a lot in their 20s. By the time she’s 22, she may become a monk and live in a cave out in the hills.

We consider that the most likely outcome here.

As such, start scouting out suitable cave locations and recommendations for her. When she gives you bemused looks just inform her, “You’ll thank me later.”

You can also view her time in a cave as downtime and a useful break from your marriage, during which time we suggest getting extreme liposuction to remove your gut. Happy Christmas!

7 comments

  1. Obviously a weekend away in Bolton of Greater Manchester can’t be topped. However, I’m liking the bag of onions idea. A bag of onions is a very personalized gift… it’s a poem in a bag.
    Think of it! The papery peeling of the outer skins, and the many rings inside. I mean, if that’s not poignant, what is?
    Of course she’ll shed a few tears. It’s to be expected if it’s a quality bag of onions.
    Then once the cent gets around the home, there will be no need for a cented candle.
    Of course, let’s not forget the bag itself! Perfect for carrying around pretty much anything.
    Really, this gift has it all. Bravo!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, indeed! A trip to Bolton of Greater Manchester is the trip of a lifetime. It’s got some great chippies, many pie shops, and you can get the train to Manchester to get out of then whenever it all gets a bit overwhelming.

      Onions is definitely a great Christmas present, I agree. Glad you’ve added your two scents to this debate. And, ironically, I bought two candles yesterday! Apple & Spiced Berries!! (because they’d sold out of vanilla ones)

      Like

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