Dad jokes. They’re the bane of many an existence. But there comes a time in any human male’s life where he must commit to these.
It is a legal requirement (as discussed today) under the Geneva Conventions for international legal standards. Without dad jokes, the family unit would crumble.
And that’s what today’s ignorant filly needs to understand. Along with how some husbands have a James Bond complex—pay heed to all this advice, loves!
When a Man Loves a Dad Joke
Dear agony aunt. Recently my husband, Larry, of 37 years of age has started using "dad jokes". Those really corny, predictable jokes. Like how it was New Year recently, soon as it his January 1st he rushed up to our three kids and went, "I haven't seen you lot since last year!" Well, two of the kids are aged 1 and 3 and had no idea, really, what he was saying. The other, Reginald, is 9 now and called daddy a, "Stupid!" For which he was immediately grounded. But because it was 12:02am by then it didn't really matter because he was off to bed anyway. The dad jokes have been relentless. Day in... day out. I counted. Yesterday he told 135 dad jokes, leaving me and Reginald groaning in horror at how awful they all were. Worse than those stupid jokes you get in Christmas crackers. I confronted Larry last night about the dad jokes and we had a blazing row. A real screaming match over it. His commitment to dad jokes is commendable, but I feel he's going to run this marriage into the ground. But when I asked him to just tone them down, he flipped: - "THESE DAD JOKES ARE ALL I HAVE, YOU EVIL CONTROLLING BITCH!!" - "EVIL!? EVIL!? YOU SHOULD TRY LISTENING TO THE HUNDREDTH AWFUL PUN IN A ROW AND THEN RETHINK WHAT EVIL IS!!" - "AND HERE I AM DOING THE BEST FOR MY FAMILY! KEEPING SPIRITS UP!" - "PUNS DON'T PUT DINNER ON THE TABLE, LARRY!" - "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward!" - "YOU SEE?! NOW IS NOT THE TIME, LARRY, WE ARE HAVING A BLAZING ROW!" - "YOU SLAG! YOU BASTARD OF A DEVIL WOMAN! YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT DESTROY MY LIFE SINCE DAY ONE!!" On and on it went like that. Eventually he stormed outside, at 11pm, spent the night sleeping in a hedge in the garden. He came in the next morning while I was cooking bacon—maggots and leaves all in his hair. I told him he needed a shower. He said, "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera." Well, I chucked the bacon over him and walloped him around the head with the pan. Then I went off to type out this message to you. Truth be told, he's sort of just lying there with this vacant, deathly expression in his eyes. He's not moved, has possibly stopped breathing, and he's turned a bit blue. On the plus side, the dad jokes have stopped! Any guidance will be appreciated here. Yours, Rebecca
Hi Rebecca. It sounds like he may be dead, a sudden blow to the skull can do that. We’re not living in a cartoon world here, you silly woman! You have two options here:
- Admit to the police you did him in and head off to prison (there shouldn’t be many dad jokes in there, at least).
- Get rid of the corpse and plead innocence.
We recommend #2. You have various options for this, but the least strenuous are:
- Digging a ditch in your garden and chuck Larry in that.
- Just leaving him where he is.
Both are a high risk strategy as:
- For the ditch: Neighbours may see you digging his grave (and chucking his corpse into it).
- Leaving him be: Visitors will, inevitably, spot his rotting cadaver at some point or another.
However, we can’t really see any alternatives here. So, best of luck to you Rebecca! And congratulations on ending the dad joke problem sensible and with emotional restraint.
Aw, too bad she killed him before he ate the bacon maggots. I’d like to see that …you know … like a horror movie. Eeeee!
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Bacon Maggots? Think there’s a solid B movie in that. There’s a film about to come out involving a cocaine snorting shark (no kidding). Anything goes in B movie world!