Agony Aunt: “My husband fancies himself as James Bond!”

A gross man who thinks he's James Bond

Every human male wishes to be James Bond. He’s got the looks, an exciting job, he gets to shoot people, and babes hang off him like Christmas decorations.

Unfortunately, not every human male can be James Bond. But fantasising wildly about this possibility is, nevertheless, a popular pastime for many a geezer.

But this can annoy the human male’s wife. As with today’s dame, who has an issue with his distance from reality. Other than threatening to buy a NaggoTron robot to nag him, what else can do you!?

When a Man Thinks He’s James Bond

Dear agony aunt. My husband, Jeff, is 54. We've been married since we were 18. Recently he's been a bit moody and has suddenly started a James Bond obsession. I've called it a fetish, frankly, as he's watching the films non-stop and is constantly quoting lines from the films.

When I ask him how he's doing in the morning, being polite, he always goes, "The name's Bond. James Bond." 

That was somewhat funny on the first time, but after the 130th it's starting to drag a little bit. But he's also started dressing dappper in a suit, he always carries around a water pistol, and he now drinks nothing but martinis, "Stirred, not shaken."

He's insistent that's correct! When even I know it's wrong. And I don't even like those James Bond films.

Anyway, I'm writing this email because he's being so annoying with it. He thinks he's so smooth and keeps trying to chat up good looking younger women with ridiculous lines from the films. Then he gets really frustrated when the lines don't work. I asked him why he doesn't use the lines with me and he just said, "You're my wife, it's not the same."

It's like he's leading a double life. He pesters me to bake him pies and leave him alone to watch the football. Then next thing he's dressed up as Bond because we're off to the big Tesco and he's dropping all these horribly cheesy lines at women. He said to the checkout girl, "Well, let me try and enlarge your vocabulary" from The Spy Who Loved Me. He just dropped it in and it made no sense in the context and she just sat there looking at him confused. 

Then one day in the big Tesco he lost it. He'd had a few beers and it was 7pm. He started living out his dreams of Bond, sneaking into the store in spy mode and crouching, ducking, diving down the veg aisle.

Everyone was looking at him aghast! It was so embarrassing.

I found him on the World Food aisle hanging upside down after trying to scale the shelves to "Sniper Blofeld!", which he yelled at full volume and everyone could hear. 

Well, the store manager came out and asked us to leave. My husband squirted him with his water pistol. These security guards grabbed him and frog marched us out of the store.

This can't go on. I'm at a loss. Any suggestions, please? Yours, Linda

Hi there Linda. There are two possibilities in this scenario:

  1. Your husband is completely insane.
  2. Your husband is having a mid-life crisis.

He’s more than likely completely insane. But on the off chance he’s still got his marbles, you need to prop up his ego a bit.

You should take tiny steps towards that goal every day—do things such as asking him to open pickle jars for you. Or go driving, purposely get lost, and let him take over. Men like him cannot resist the opportunity to get unlost, especially without the use of a map.

The above will raise his self-confidence. And he should eventually snap out of his James Bond delusions and realise he’s a swathe and sophisticated enough gentleman as it is.

And that’s irrespective of whether he’s swathe and sophisticated or not.

Even if he isn’t, he’ll just enter into a different type of grandiose delusion of arrogance and conceit. But that’ll be slightly less embarrassing and/or irritating than this James Bond thing.

If he doesn’t snap out of it then, yes, it means he’s insane.

Call the local insane asylum and they’ll come over, wrap him up in a straitjacket, and he’ll be out of your hair before you can get a shaken, not stirred, martini.

44 comments

    • Geezers be wannabe cool spies as they eat pies. But a James Bond who’s let himself go is a film I’d see. “I’ll have a Carling, mate. Not shaken. Not stirred. Just a bloody Carling, mate.” 🥧 🍺

      Liked by 1 person

              • Ah yes. Brave! I’m scared of agents for some irrational reason. Although Jo Unwin seems like a nice one.

                I prefer to blog and slog it out myself and do it the long and hard way for some other reason I can’t quite fathom either. I think I just prefer learning it all and going at my own pace and sharing what I’ve learnt with other people.

                Liked by 1 person

                • It’s a long old slog to get an agent, apparently, but I’m having a go anyway. But blogging is also my preference for the immediate enjoyment of it. Jo Unwin? You’ve doomed him now! I’ll be pestering, “Oi oi, me old mucker!!”

                  I was looking at Adlington on Google Maps and your services popped up, reminding of your blog. Probs moving to Rivvy in early 2023, trying to find a joint to frequent. Teapi and that. I’ll be a Lancashire lad again!

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Right Rivington here you come! Excellent. My daughter goes to school there. It is a great place to be if you like lots of peace and quiet and good walks. Good for creativity.

                    Jo Unwin is a woman. Here Twitter handle is @jounwin and she is currently looking for submissions.

                    As an interesting aside, she is married to Chris Morris, if you remember his satirising of the media in The Day Today etc 😂

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • Yeah, I grew up there so know the deal. Lots of ducks. Reservoirs. That red mast thing at the top of Winter Hill (I can see it from my Manc flat anyway).

                      And ta! Ta very much. I feel daft thinking it was a bloke now. Chris Morris, huh!? Yeah, he’s really good. I dabble in satire a wee bit myself. Brass Eye were good!

                      I might cobble together a submission! Worth a shot. Thank you kindly.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Yeah, Manchester is going like London now. Can’t rent anywhere unless it’s £900 p/m so I are out of there. I plan to loiter on Adlington street corners with a litre bottle of cider instead.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Really!?! I’ll visit that. But I was thinking more turf wars in Adlington. Shall get a rival to Teapi going. I was thinking Nasty Builders Brewi. It rhymes.

                      Like

                    • Yes, really.

                      Life is less competitive in the country compared to the city. There’s a lovely sense of community and people wanting to work co-operatively together.

                      Well that’s how it seems to me anyways. I’m able to relax more and write more rounded content, if that makes sense?

                      I’m very much into being a friendly, inclusive and conversational kind of writer these days.

                      You seem a lot more provocative than me. Which is important energy to put out there too, by the way.

                      Why did you become a writer?

                      I used to be a lot more of a reactive writer. Totes loved Hunter S. Thompson. Still do.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I can dig that. I left Aggy in 2003 to go to uni, so it’s a heroic return 20 years later. Minus the hair one once owned. Community is good, I was hoping for something like that. But we’ll see anyway, I tend to keep myself to myself.

                      Anyway… proactive with the literary agent. I’ve put off being proactive for many a year. The inevitable rejections put me off for a bit but you’ve spurred me on with the literary agent suggestion – thank you kindly! But yes, better to have a go than not.

                      And I became a writer… I read a lot as a kid. Seemed to come naturally to me. It’s all I’m good at! This blog has helped me understand it’s a fun thing, I like making people laugh. The creative process is just very enjoyable, non? And the immediacy of blogging satisfies that, innit? Eh?

                      Hunter S., Kerouac, Bukowski – I view them all kind of the beatnik generation. They’ve had a big influence, kind of along with Sartre, Camus, Orwell, de Beuavoir. And Where’s Wally into the mix, eh!? Do you have a bookshop, btw, the Google Maps thing suggests you do.

                      Like

                    • You’re right many times over. Always best to keep having a go. One life and all that!

                      According to Google I have an online and mobile bookshop. The former is here: https://www.nikkiwordsmith.com/store/

                      The latter is going to be true. (Is a dream a lie that hasn’t come true yet?)

                      I started test driving an old library van to convert into a little mobile bookshop, performance space and cafe then life got in the way the last few years. It’ll happen. Big projects take time to come to fruition.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I think a tea shop/library hybrid would work. A few of those in Manchester. Books. Tea. Where can you go wrong?

                      According to Google, you’re already a bookshop then. Congratulations! I know there’s that wee Adlington library near the train station. Not been in since about 1990. Presume things have changed a bit since then, but it strikes me as a library for kids.

                      I sense an opportunity for turf wars, anyway. You, myself – two new library/tea/bookshops. Brew up a storm.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Yes the library is largely for kids. They also have events for local people by local people. It is has been under threat of closure for years. Many good-hearted people have worked tirelessly to keep it open.

                      And ha about turf wars. That’s not really my way at all. I’m quite a quiet introverted peaceful soul. Maybe we could do turf shares? There’s a lot of room to contribute in creative ways 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Okay, peaceful turf wars then. Aggressive tea making policies. “Drink the tea, or get off my property!” Kind of thing. I’m game for that.

                      Well, I can join the battle to keep that library open. May not have been there for 30 years, but I remember it as a kid! And By Jove, I demand it stays open.

                      Like

                    • Yes blogging is brilliant. You are quite right again about that. I agree whole-heartedly the creative process is pure pleasure and making people laugh is one of the best things you can do in life. Good luck with finding an agent 🤞

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Cheers! I’ll plug away at it. I’m not bothered about fame/fortune really, it’s just for the achievement and to make people laugh.

                      And to achieve my goal, I shall resort to blackmailing an agent into accepting me onto their books. Mwahahaha!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Ha ha hopefully your talent will save you from breaking the law.

                      And yes fame and fortune are young people’s illusions. I had quite a bad dose of it back in the day. Stopped me from doing The Work itself. Doh!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I just sent you a long answer about the bookshop. Looks like it hasn’t posted 🙄

                      Maybe because I put a link in it?

                      Anyways, the short answer is the bookstore is online and going to be mobile. I started test—driving old library vans a few years ago then life took a few unexpected turns. It’ll still happen. It’s just taking longer go get there.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Ah yes, I have to clear anything with a link in it. I have to clear first-time posters, too, which is always amusing when someone crops up to post abuse. They type out all the message, hit send… then realise it ain’t going live. Glorious.

                      Not that I get too much of that, thankfully.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • The main thing I’ve learned is it’s incredibly random who gets published, who doesn’t, and whether anything is successful or not. So I’m not too bothered about any of it. BUT! It’s something to aim for.

                      Like

Dispense with some gibberish!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.