Baywatch was a weird show about women running down beaches whilst David Hasselhoff tried not to look like he was ageing.
It was a great show. Better than Socks and the City by a long stretch!
And that’s why we’re rebooting it as Baybotch, as we’re after a disaster of a lifeguard show with a catchy intro theme music to reminisce about.
Calamity and Destruction in Baybotch
Remember that Baywatch theme music I’m Always Here by Jimi Jamison? Remember how it fit the show just super?! Well, we’ve gone for Vernon Dalhart’s (1883-1943) version of Old Gray Mare for the reboot!
Just makes you think of beaches right away, doesn’t it?
The cast is star-studded, too. Hasselhoff’s lead character, Mitch Buchannon, is played here by Arnold Schwarzenegger in a career-defining (or defying!) role. Meanwhile, Pamela Anderson’s famous Casey Jean Parker role is taken over by Bill Gates in his first acting performance.
Other lifeguards, in a huge ensemble cast of over 300 actors, include Sir Anthony Hopkins, Dick Van Dyke, Matt Damon, lesser-known Hollywood actor Vincent D’Onofrio, and a holographic representation of Fred Astaire (in his first acting performance since 1981).
Baybotch plays out like Baywatch. Except this time it’s set on Blackpool Pleasure Beach in the North West of England.
Headed by Mitch (Schwarzenegger), the lifeguards are new to the area having been drafted in from Sarasota, Florida, to help improve the baywatching in Blackpool.
However, the cast soon begins to struggle with the relentless rain, chavs, heavily polluted waters, and a diet of fish & chips. From which emerges much soap opera drama, including a budding romance between Fred Astaire’s lifeguard and Bill Gates’ moving interpretation of blonde bombshell Pamela Anderson.
Off it’s $100 million budget and planned 30+ seasons, Baybotch was a disaster.
Baywatch fans awaiting the return of the beloved series were “disgusted” with the reboot and its “rain-sodden” setting. There were also 37,000 complaints regarding the loss of the original theme music.
After one season and 20 episodes, Baybotch got the axe.
To commiserate the end of the show, the cast and crew went out on the lash in Blackpool. This resulted in drunken donkey rides along the beach and general anti-social behaviour, resulting in numerous arrests and fines of up to £100.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, allegedly, received not one but two £100 fines from the Blackpool police officers on the scene.
Rather than pay the fines, the former Mr. Universe simply jumped into the sea and swam back to America.
Baybotch’s Finest Televisual Moments
Baybotch received rapturous hype in its build-up and 55 million people watched its first episode. However, this soon changed to:
- 45 million for the second episode
- 20 million for the third
- 10 million for the fourth
- 300,000 for the fifth
- 10,000 for the sixth (largely drug addicts and alcoholics).
The addicts noted there was a significant improvement in the show’s quality from episode seven, although it’s unclear if they were out of their minds when perceiving such recommendations or not.
However, episode seven was voted by the few fans of the show as its peak. Written specifically by Arnold Schwarzenegger, the episode in question is If It’s a Beach, We Can Kill It (a nod to his line from 1987’s Predator). The episode involves:
- A nuclear explosion.
- 47,000 fully trained geese actors besieging sunbathers.
- A chav stealing some traffic cones.
- Soggy cucumber sandwiches.
- 145 one-liners from Schwarzenegger (e.g. In reference to his sunburn, “I’ll be… [Arnold noise]… back (when my back is no longer sunburnt)”.
- A 10 minute monologue from Sir Anthony Hopkins about fish & chips with gravy.
- An alien invasion with woeful CGI special effects.
The brilliant of If It’s a Beach, We Can Kill It aside, the show is cancelled and will never return (at least, until there’s another reboot).
Baybotch was a masterpiece that did not get the love it deserve, I think. I was there with those 10,000 alcoholics and addicts who watched episode seven (though I did not share their substance-related problems) and we all agreed it was a peak moment of television history, and after the credits rolled we had enticing philosophical discussions about Anthony Hopkins’ monologue.
So I feel vindicated by the fact it’s getting a reboot.
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We appreciate your commitment to true art. Truly, Baybotch was the new Breaking Bad in waiting… wasted at the hands of PHILISTINES who tuned out due to its shoddy scripts and hammy acting. Fools, the lot of them!!!
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