If you’ve committed crimes against literature, then you’re going down, sonny Jim! Any scourge of the literary seas will be locked up in jail for:

• Misquoting Shakespeare.
• Only reading erotic thrillers.
• Not believing in the Oxford comma.
• Turning page edges over as a bookmark (instead of owning a bookmark).
• Judging a book by its cover.
• Chewing with your mouth open (just to cover off this general life annoyance).

Even minor offences result in ruddy enormous prison sentences of up to 600 years in Princeton’s Poetic Prison & Penitentiary!

Thus, dust off your copy of The Count of Monte Cristo and brace yourself for crime and punishment, sinner!

Don’t be a Dumas—Avoid a Life Behind Bars

Oh, so you’ve read Stephen King’s Shawshank Redemption, have you!? Well, check you out, clever clogs! Think you’ve got it all worked out, huh!?

Well, no Morgan Freeman narration will save you in prison, fool!

With 100 year sentences, and ZERO chance of parole, for misplacing an apostrophe, screwing up abbreviations, or abandoning active voice… you’d better be scared stiff of Princeton’s Poetic Prison & Penitentiary!

This is how it works:

1. You purchase a copy of Where’s Wally? thinking it’s Where’s Waldo?
2. 100 FBI agents swoop in one you to transport you to our jail.
3. You plead your innocence.
4. We give you the middle finger.
5. You receive a sentence of at least 350 years.

A simple plan of 1-5. And you’re guaranteed an incarceration period! It’s almost like reading proper won’t land you in this place (or something).

Prison Escape

It’s been noted in the tabloid press how “easy” it is to escape from Princeton’s Poetic Prison & Penitentiary. Well, we’ve only had 89% of our prisoners escape from the place. That’s not bad at all when you think about it.

The tabloids have pointed out how inmates “waltz” up to the “fuckwods” on the door and quote some Shakespeare at them. Exit, pursued by a bear.

Well, that’s partially true.

Our prison runs a model of excellence based on the understanding of inmates to quote some Shakespeare. We’ll let you out, on the door, if you appeal to our literary senses!

Those who don’t do that spend the rest of their lives either:

1. Spending 150 years in solitude.
2. Spending 250+ years in prison (reading stuff).
3. Something else we’ll invent here to sound really threatening.

The bottom line is clear!

Read good literature—get away with murder! Murder someone?! Read good literature! It’s a prime example of how the system can work in your favour.

Crime and Punishment and BooksSpot the

Some inmates are so evil we won’t let them out, though, no matter how good their Shakespearian knowledge. For example, if they’ve nicked some traffic cones on a drunken night out… well, that’s a life in solitary for them, we’re afraid.

And it’s a literary prison!

That means we’ve got some enormously creative punishment techniques in our canon to ensure offenders suffer long into the night. Stuff like:

• Book beheadings: A guillotine made from old copies of 50 Shades of Grey will slice the head off even the most depraved pervert!
• Intensive poetry sessions: Fancy a 48 hour marathon of relentless poetry readings? No, neither do we. But if you’re a criminal you’ll get it anyway!
• Hanging, drawing, and lofty quoting: There is NO WORSE punishment than being hung, drawn, and having enormous literary quotes quoted at you. Fear this one, philistine!
• Spot the Dog: Craving some advanced wording from the world’s best authors? Well, tough! All you’re getting are copies of Spot the Dog!

After 50 years in our prison reading Spot’s adventures, you can guarantee you’ll head back out into society ready to commit more crimes!

As in, writing a bloody good book! In which Spot goes on a psychotic rampage! Just don’t forget we insert an ex-convict tracker into your cranium so we know what you’re up to 24/7. George Orwell? George BOREwell, more like!