Brace yourself, employer! For the likes of typos at work compare, not a jot, to the horror of the use of Oxford commas across the working environment.
Far be it from us to define your style guidelines. But the use of an Oxford comma (serial comma) clause is tantamount to treason against humanity.
As such, it’s good business practice to ensure you avoid infuriating the likes of the United Nations, NATO, NASA, and Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. All by banning the use of a final comma in a list of things!
International Law Regarding the Oxford Comma
The Oxford comma is legislated by The International Oxford Comma Act 1974. The Act was written in 1974.
Additionally, The Oxford Comma at Work Act 1974 was penned in 1974.
The two Acts enforce a rigorous anti-Oxford comma stance, with the belief its use is only amongst those who are putrid, disgusting, vile, and dangerous maniacs. However, supporters of the Oxford comma are voluble in defending the final comma in a list of things.
Regardless of your stance, if you use that final comma you’re liable to get your head knocked off—or worse. The International Oxford Comma Act 1974 clearly states in section 32 (b) on page 3,451:
“Anyone found to be using the Oxford comma will be beheaded. No ifs or buts on this one! Just plain old dragged out to the chopping block and, whoompf, it’s off and there’s one less Oxford comma loving bastard for the world to worry about.”
The International Serial Comma Act 1974 was also introduced in 1974 to ensure all areas of this accursed final piece of punctuation is accounted for.
In 2022, all said Acts were consolidated into The Oxford Comma Act 2022. This Act was written in 2022. And it is also about the Oxford (and serial) comma.
It consolidates, as aforementioned, all three Acts into one great big Act. And it clears up any confusion straight off. Right on the front cover it states clearly in italic capitals:
“A CESSATION ON THE OXFORD COMMA, WRETCHED SINNERS”
Unfortunately, this draconian approach led to mild-mannered introvert writers to lose their crap. The result was The Great Oxford Comma London Riot of 2022.
Enthusiasts took to the streets with dictionaries and trashed the place, smashing shop windows, overturning vehicles, and burning copies of the consolidated Act in the street.
Police forces were duly let loose with water cannons and tasers.
The Great Oxford Comma London Riot of 2022 was over within 35 minutes, with mild-mannered introvert writers returning to their desks and spared beheadings. Because if they were all gone… who’d be around to good copy?
Your Company Policy Regarding the Oxford Comma
This is the straightforward bit. Make it clear, in no uncertain terms, the Oxford comma is banned in your workplace.
You can include a statement in your company policy, but other popular methods that reinforce the fact include:
- Having an employee stand on the roof of your building with a megaphone each morning to remind his/her colleagues NOT to use the serial comma.
- Installing bouncers around your property to ensure no staff members are using the accursed punctuation.
- Checking EVERY SINGLE email communication across your business at the end of each day to ensure no one is breaking your rules.
If anyone does break your rules, it’s wise to install an Oxford Comma Cannon onto the roof of your premises.
Offenders can be immediately loaded into this contraption and blasted half a mile away from your property post haste.
How to Celebrate Oxford Comma Night
Much like Guy Fawkes Night (Bonfire Night) in the UK, the public is encouraged to celebrate Oxford Comma Night on the 5th October each year.
Citizens are expected to become drunk and rowdy, with the setting off of fireworks, Semtex, and other explosives expected of even the most innocuous individuals.
Your business should get involved in this civil unrest.
Along with detonating stuff, you’re encouraged to create a giant Oxford comma effigy. This should be at least 10ft by 10ft. And it must be thrown over a blazing inferno. If it’s raining, just pour loads of petrol on the thing and watch it burn.
Once the incineration of the Oxford comma is complete, you should continue drinking heavily, find time to have at least one riot, and bellow chants such as:
- The Oxford comma’s a wanker!
- Who ate all the commas? Who ate all the commas? You fat bastard, you fat bastard, you ate all the commas!
Continue the rioting until the riot police arrive. If this does not occur, the riot will eventually fizzle out due to boredom and a “point proven” type of feeling.
Oxford Comma night ends with a mass purge of books containing any of the punctuation marks in lists. A shaman and at least one Satanic cult leader will be required for this ceremony, all of which must seek to banish the Oxford comma to the bowels of Hell.
Should you fail in your mission to summon Beelzebub, or if he turns up and refuses to accommodate for your request, you can try again next year.