Paperboy Enterprises Ltd. is the industry-leading global presence behind the world’s initiatives in thought leadership and synergy-driven paperboy endeavours.
Employing over 200,000 staff worldwide, the organisation strives daily to ensure paperboys deliver papers to customers.
We pride ourselves on being the world’s leading newspaper delivery service and our goal is to ensure customers receive their newspapers in new, exciting, and outlandish means in the years ahead.
Market domination is not enough. Worship us, for we are Gods.
Paperboy Enterprises Ltd. Mission Statement
Every newspaper is an opportunity. Dispensing the news to citizens, via a paperboy, is more than a purpose—it is a way of life.
Nae; it is life itself.
This is what Paperboy Enterprises Ltd. embodies—the sanctity of society via the distribution of newspapers to the newspaper readers.
It is our mission to employ only the finest paperboys.
Every single employee is background checked prior to hiring. They are drug tested daily (including for Lemsip). And they are indoctrinated with company doctrine every 35 minutes, or whipped with belts should they fail to adhere to our company shills.
With an obedient 200,00 strong army of paperboys, Paperboy Enterprises Ltd. is an indomitable force that shall conquer all before it like in that Paperboy arcade game from ages ago.
Our customers look upon us the way a mother would greet her son returning from space—paperboy deliveries* are heroic, for the good of society, and without them the planet would devolve into total, unmitigated anarchy that would bring about the end of the species as we know it.
*Paperboy Enterprises Ltd. is an equal opportunities employer, but does not employ women in paperboy roles. This is due to the “paperboy” status of the role. We do not hire “papergirls” or “paperpeople” as this is confusing and we are not even going there, sister.
Paperboy Enterprises Ltd. Innovations
Paperboy Enterprises Ltd.’s paperboys do not merely deliver newspapers on foot. Tradition is a spectacle that deigns to admonish the splendours of ascertainable growth.
Indeed, our engineers work 24/7 to ensure new, exciting, invigorating, appealing, competitor-destroying innovations disrupt the paperboy world daily.
Our delivery methods face constant revisions to ensure we are ahead of the competition,
- Helicopter: These deliveries have been wildly popular with customers (except for the ones accidentally decapitated during incidents no way the fault of Paperboy Enterprises Ltd.) and in Q4 2023 we will have a fleet of 150 helicopters delivering newspapers 24/7.
- Jumbo jet: Paperboy Enterprises Ltd. has a fleet of 10 jumbo jets, which we use to make deliveries across the globe. Expensive? Yes. Inordinately wasteful from an environmental perspective? Yes. Just and true in the name of freedom of speech via the tabloid press? A thousand times YES.
- Spaceship: Trials for delivering newspapers by spaceship have enjoyed moderate success, despite the occasional mishap whereby the spaceship has smashed into various properties and totally demolished them.
- Convicted murderers: To make something of society’s wastrels, we are in talks with global prisons to allow for the most dangerous criminals in the world to have brief spells as paperboys. It is our belief these brief spells of freedom wandering around neighbourhoods will reintroduce even the most maniacal mind to a more sedate way of life.
- Blue whale: A squadron of 10 blue whales are, right now, being run through A-B testing to determine whether they will deliver newspapers to customers in more ocean-based regions.
- Mount Everest: Just because some of our customers are at base camp 4 near the summit of Everest, does not mean they should miss out on the latest celeb gossip in their favourite tabloid. Come rain, snow, shine, or impassable storm, Paperboy Enterprises Ltd. will reach the brave mountaineer (usually by helicopter) and deliver some gutter press fodder.
Paperboy Enterprises Ltd. is a global organisation with a pure vision—to make the news available to anyone, at any time, no matter where they are on the planet.
Nothing will get in our way to achieve this goal.
And we are tooling our workforce up in the ways of the bazooka to ensure their deliveries are NEVER interrupted.
To be clear, no we are not planning to start invading countries to take them over! We are just very, very, very fervently inclined towards getting newspapers delivered. At. All. Costs.
Just my personal experiences but I find blue whales to be a little persnickety, I like working with a nice humble pilot whale
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Can pilot whales fly planes? Multi-talented!