Team Building Exercises Motivate Your Worthless Employees

Team building builds your team

Team building exercises are good business practice for any employer. They’re a superb way to motivate your feckless, lazy, and hungover employees to ensure you stay on course for your inflated end-of-year bonus.

The exercises are legislated under The Team Building Exercises at Work Act 1975, which caused a cataclysmic event in the employment law field due to being one of only three Acts not launched in 1974.

Should you wish to motivate your staff with a teamwork day, it’s a good incentive to humiliate them with a series of implausible, weird activities for a few hours.

The Importance of Team Building

Employees tend to secretly loathe each other whilst plotting, often manipulatively, to gain an advantage in order to assume more important roles.

The likes of colleagues stealing lunches can cause much bad blood.

As can other issues, such as pervasive staring at colleagues and/or just being a general irritating dickhead.

It goes without saying (although we’re going to say it anyway), if you have employees who hate each other, dread coming into work, and can’t stand the sight of one another… that’s bad for productivity.

Team building is the perfect way to eradicate such woe.

Schedule a team building day, week, or month to ensure your employees can surface act their way around each other in the name of making you rich.

Team Building Activities to Facilitate Your Team’s Productivity

Getting to know you” sessions may strike a chord of fear into employees’ souls, but it’s for their own good.

As such, we’ve put together this list of activities to ensure your team goes from despising each other to falling madly in love (there or thereabouts).

Sky Diving

Prior to setting off, personally sabotage (this is technically illegal, but whatever) several of the parachutes. Then, get everyone up in a plane and chuck them out.

Whilst your employees hurtle towards the Earth, get them to brainstorm ways to try and save each others lives when you drop the news of the parachute issue on them.

Do note, this team building session may result in several deaths.

But this is okay, as the mourning process after the individuals splat into the ground can promote excellent inter-team bonding.

Free Solo Climbing

Encourage your staff to watch the 2019 Free Solo documentary before attempting free solo climbing. Enforce this policy. And watch as your employees fall to Earth within 20 feet.

Do note, deaths through this practice are rare.

However, shattered ankles are commonplace. Ensure you make employees sign a legal waiver prior to indulging in this session.

Hangover Team Building

Get everyone absolutely wasted one night and then, the next day, enforce a mandatory team building day (on pain of immediate sacking).

Watching your pathetic employees trying not to barf, whilst attempting to solve simple logic puzzles in teams of up to four, all whilst attempting to maintain some semblance of civility, is enough to bring a tear to any CEO’s eyeball.

Do note, this type of session can result in physical brawling and/or employees curling up in a ball on the floor and weeping.

All of this is great as they’re letting off steam!

Form a Circle of Hate

Encourage your employees to let off steam. In a circle of hate (COH), they can hurl verbal abuse at each other. Really let everyone know what they really think about them.

Airing such petty and volatile grievances will clear the air in no time.

It may also create lifelong divisions even an esteemed psychiatrist couldn’t fix, or protracted court cases for slander, but either way it’ll be worth it if it makes your business more money.

Using Your Team to Build Buildings

Do note, it’s illegal to use your employees as building blocks to create new rooms in your premises. It’s increasingly common for business owners to conclude “team building” is an extension of basic contruction.

There are numerous reported instances of employees by cemented into the architectural structure of the premises where they work.

Often due to a binding clause within their contract of employment that they hadn’t read properly.

Regardless of whether you include this in your contracts, you cannot just stuff employees into the ramparts of your premises. That isn’t team building. If anything, you’re destroying your team.

So, don’t do it. You daft git.


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