Human males don’t necessarily need to say anything to attract a human female. Instead, they can use “body language” to emit physical signals into the surrounding region in order to attract a mate.

The downside? Body language is tough to master.

Today’s human male is struggling with his body language. Luckily, we’re dating EXPERTS and we’re on hand to offer industry-leading advice.

The Science of Body Language and Dating and Flirting and Stuff

Hi there, mate. I'm Dave. I'm 25 and I'm struggling to pull hot birds. The last one I went out with was a few weeks ago, but then I realised after she just used me to get a free chicken bucket at KFC and then left after she'd finished promising to call me.

She didn't call me. These slappers are all the same.

My mate Dan says I need to improve my body language. I mean he's useless with birds and has never dated one, but he's convinced he's right and says to me he's just holding out for the "perfect slapper" and his "body language" will "emanate" the right signals for her. So what he does is he goes to bars on a Friday night and stands at the bar, legs akimbo, wearing a too tight shirt so his big beer belly is hanging out and he flashes his chest hair with a few shirt buttons undone at the top, with a golden medallion hanging down to add extra flirting power with that.

Got to say, I'm impressed by what he's doing. Although the slappers seem quite disgusted by him, but then that's slappers for you.

Anyway, I gave it a go just this Friday. Pint in right hand, legs akimbo, at the bar. I don't have chest hair, so I bought a wig, ripped the hair off, and glued the hair to my chest. It looked pretty good and I felt much more manlier after doing that.

So I were propped up against the bar and whenever a fine filly (slapper) came near me I gave her a look, a nod, a smirk, and then I goes, "Alright, bitch?! You're a fine slapper, ain't you? Fancy a beer?" Then I scratched at me crotch and burped dead loud to show off how manly I is.

Anyway, it didn't go down too well and I got slapped three times. Luckily the bar's got CCTV and it's all recorded, so I'm pressing charges for physical assault. Figured if the dating game don't work out I can make a few bob off these court cases. Then I can get rich and get those women who hang out with you because you're wealthy.

Yeah it's a bit shit but it's better than nothing.

Anyway, what's your tips on this? I need advice on my body language because, really, those slaps hurt and I want fewer of them. Cheers, Dave

Hi, Dave! Body language is, indeed, a crucial part of any dating experience. You want to send the right signals.

A school of thought argues positive body language signals are:

• Stroking your arm (as an inviting gesture).
• Parting your lips slightly.
• Stroking objects, such as a drink or a glass.
• Thrusting forward attractive body parts (such as your kneecaps).
• Keeping your arms uncrossed (unless you need to hide a stain on your shirt).
• Keeping your legs uncrossed (unless you need to hide a stain on your pants).
• Showing your palms, which is a gesture of openness.
• Smile regularly (unless you’ve accumulated gunk in your teeth).

Other dating experts also suggest you don’t grimace at your date or make violent hand gestures at her, such as wanting to punch her lights out to steal her handbag and leg it one.

However, we think the above “advice” is total bullshit.

For good body language in dating, look no further than the animal kingdom. Principally with the humble pigeon. That’s right, think of yourself as a pigeon, Dave. Behold!

The pigeon courting technique is all about body language. It includes:

• Flapping wings about the place.
• Pecking at each other vociferously.
• Trying to extract food from each other’s faces with a beak.
• Cooing.

We highly recommend the above tactic with any human female, who will revel in the attention whilst giggling hysterically.

Either that or they’ll call the cops on you.

But we’re willing to bet the next “slapper” you try this technique on will be your bride within the next 48 hours.