Backstabbing is a bit like employees stealing each other’s lunches. As an employer, you may wish to encourage such antics in the cutthroat business world we all know and love so dearly.

This is because backstabbing is healthy. Greed is good. Backstabbing is better.

Read this guide to understand the intricacies of betrayal and its consequences, from cruel one-upmanship to being a dickhead. We have the answers to turn your business into a billionaire outfit through backstabbing alone.

The Employment Laws Regarding Backstabbing at Work

The Backstabbing at Work Act 1974 is the legislation governing this issue. It defines workplace-based backstabbing as:

“An action or criticism towards a colleague with duplicitous intentions, intending for a treacherous outcome. All despite the pretence of comradery with the co-worker. However, the backstabber deeply intends to do one over their colleague, leaving the individual either mentally destroyed or sacked from their job while feeling a bit pissed off and betrayed.”

Examples of backstabbing in the workplace include:

• Spreading malicious rumours behind a colleague’s back (e.g. “Did you know Gemma is a Grade A Slapper who’s slept with every man in the department!?“)
• Commandeering a colleague’s work computer and sending fake emails to higher management (e.g. “Dear CEO, You are a BLOODY IDIOT! Regards, Gemma!!!!“)
• Creating a fake LinkedIn profile for a colleague and using it to send verbal abuse to those in their industry, thusly ruining their reputation (e.g. “Hi there CEO of a business I hoped to work for one day. FUCK YOU, DICKHEAD! Regards, Gemma xxx“)
• Credit thieving, whereby the individual steals another person’s ideas (e.g. “I think we should introduce a budget cap on our marketing campaign and no I didn’t get this idea off their incompetent BITCH Gemma.“)
• Finger pointing the blame on others so as to save face (e.g. “I don’t know who clogged the female toilets, but I’m pretty sure it’s Gemma.“)

Those are common scenarios, but backstabbers are devious SOBs and will invent new, and increasingly psychotic, means to gain a foothold up the business ladder.

Why Backstabbing is Great for Business

There’s a school of thought that argues backstabbing at work causes a great deal of resentment between colleagues. And that this leads to a toxic working environment.

This is balderdash.

What actually happens when there’s unlimited backstabbing in your workplace is employees work harder, compete like their lives depend on it, and do each other over in the name of better productivity and work results.

Some of them may cut enormous corners to reach these goals, but that’s simply this special little thing called initiative.

The truth is backstabbing is one of the boldest forms of initiative in any working environment and you should celebrate it as the CEO. Most likely as you’re in your inflated career situation thanks to relying on treacherous antics yourself!

But don’t admit that to anyone. Just claim you worked harder than everyone else. It provides a delusional ego kick whenever you need it.

In the Event of Physical Backstabbing

Unfortunately, as backstabbing spirals out of control in your workplace, some of your dumber (or more psychotically inclined) employees may take the term literally.

As in, they may decide to backstab people in the back with a blade of some sort (such as a samurai sword or a pair of chopsticks).

You’ll become aware of this development likely due to the sounds of high-pitched screams of agony and general hysteria in your workplace. Either the photocopier is jammed, or a backstabber has taken things a step too far.

Do note, it’s good business practice to prevent physical harm to employees in your workplace. In the event of a stabbing, you should issue a company-wide email to your employees addressing why this is a no-go zone.

Here’s a template email you can rely on—distribute it as you see fit:

Dear worthless employees far below my pay grade,

It has come to my attention several employees keep stabbing colleagues in the back. Please note, Greedy Bastard Enterprises Ltd. operates a No Knife-Wielding at Work policy and we expect ALL employees to refrain from physically attacking each other.

Do note, failure to adhere to company policy on this matter may result in a right royal telling off. Repeated murders may also result in a referral to the local law enforcement on the basis of superfluous argy-bargy.

As you know, I encourage office-based gossiping and wanton backstabbing as I am a progressive and considerate employer.

Go against my word, however, and I shall make sure you pay (you insolent dipshit).

Yours sincerely,

Ronald McWealthy III (CEO)

Strongly worded emails such as the above should be enough to deter most employees from going on any further stabbing rampages.

However, should the backstabbing continue then you may wish to call for a ban on the behaviour at key moments during the working day. For example, during important meetings when you, the CEO, can waffle on in full pomp and ceremony for as long as you feel like.

You don’t want such glorious moments interrupted by piercing wailing as an employee emerges from the crowd with a blade in their shoulder blades.

No. Ban the backstabbing (but only at moments that suit you best).