For all your needle-based needs, Nigel’s Needles Ltd. is the place for you and your needles! Whatever’s your poison, we’ve got needles for it:
- Heroin usage
- Drugs in general
That’s about it. But we’ve got needles for that, you can bet your bottom dollar on it!
Should’ve Injected at Nigel’s Needles
Nigel’s Needles does exactly what it says on the needle—injects stuff. And in the fast-paced world of drug addicts, we know you need to get that junk into your system faster than you can say, “Give me drugs!!!”
Every little helps. Nigel’s Needles knows that.
We’ve watched Trainspotting (1996) and read William Burrough’s Junky.
That’s why our needles are made from the finest pure gold. You don’t either love it or hate it with our needles—you’ll love them! We can assure you—but if not, send your used needles back to us, please.
We have an eco-friendly sustainability business model and don’t want all of our lovely gold needles going to waste. Reuse, recycle—that’s our progressive motto to protect the planet from stuff like godawful rubbish tips and pestilence.
And, sure, your opinion of our product may be swayed by your descent into a heroin-induced sense of elation.
That’s just part of the Nigel’s Needles promise.
It’s on-the-house! Free of charge!
Just don’t come whining to us when you’re crashing through eight days worth of heroin withdrawal, okay!? That’s not our problem, you junky bloody pests!
A Word From Our CEO
“My fellow drug addicts. Nigel here. Founder of Nigel’s Needles and drug addict for thirty long years. I know as well as anyone sourcing hard drugs is a son of a bitch! And after a day of swindling and back street dealing to score a fix, you just wanna kick back and shoot that shit up without some rusty needle that’s been sitting about your squat the last six months.
Nigel’s Needles are made from pure gold. I don’t inject with anything else! Once you go Nigel’s, you don’t go back. And that’s my CEO’s promise.
Now, excuse me. I don’t feel so good and need to call for an ambulance because I’m pretty sure I’m ODing on a mix of snowballing heroin and cocaine…”
We’re happy to confirm Nigel made it through his hospital trip in one piece! After he was resuscitated and had his stomach pumped, he was right as rain!
He immediately began using Nigel’s Needles to get his next fix, only to overdose all over again, and wind up back in hospital a mere 12 hours after getting his stomach pumped!
Forget the rest. Nigel’s Needles are the best.