Now then, now then! What’s all this fuss about male belly button fluff?! Because at the Male Belly Button Fluff Removal Service, we’ve got you covered.
Whether you own a husband or a boyfriend, or just want men randomly inspected in the street for belly button fluff, we’re the world-class service that’ll get fluff abomination removed from even the grimiest belly button in the land.
Plunging the Depths of Belly Button Fluff
Naval fluff is the stuff of nightmares.
Belly button lint (BBL) often forms in men who’ve gained a bit of weight. Their overall hairiness also ensures the lint gathers in the belly button—if left unattended, the fluff can grow to gargantuan proportions, weighing the male down to the extent he’s no longer able to move.
Death by belly button fluff soon follows.
In the 2002 Ig Nobel Prize winning for BBL, a Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki conducted studies under an electron micrograph unit (EMU) to conclude thus:
- You get more BBL as you get older.
- More men have BBL than women.
- Lint colour reflects your skin tone – lint is lighter for light skinned people.
- Skin type does not affect BBL.
- BBL appears to be related to hairiness.
- Too much belly hair, or too little belly hair somehow inhibits the movement of BBL into the belly button.
- There is no relationship between BBL and a person’s overall build.
- Anecdotal evidence suggests that navel rings dramatically reduce BBL or even remove it altogether.
- It seems as though the Snail Trail has something to do with BBL levels.
In short, older males who are hairy and have an innie belly button are prone to this most appalling of issues. The solution to this global crisis?!
The Male Belly Button Fluff Removal Service.
For only £300 per BBL removal, the male in question will be pinned down to the floor. A giant plunger will then be brandished before him. The belly button is then revealed, replete with fluff, and the plunger is plunged until the offending lint is suctioned out of the male.
Onlookers are advised to look away as the procedure can be disturbing.
Males are prone to fits of hysterical shrieking and sobbing during the procedure. Do not fear, however, as it’s essential for their long-term survival.
Unless BBL is removed, the male can expect to be dead within 100 years.
The Sophisticated Art of Nasal Fluff Studies
For males wishing to further their understanding of BBL, they can turn to academics. The field of navel fluff continues to grow as international interest escalates.
Take, for example, the esteemed researcher Georg Steinhauser in his postulations: The nature of navel fluff. His thesis was thus:
“The author’s hypothesis is that men’s abdominal hair collect cotton fibers from shirts and transport them into the navel by the normal body movement, supported by the direction of the abdominal hairs and their structure. After several hours, these fibers are compacted to form the typical felt-like material. According to the hypothesis, navel fluff has a cleaning function for the navel.”
Thusly, his methods of data gathering were as following:
“Questioning (male) friends, colleagues and family members, supported the hypothesis that the existence of abdominal hair is a major prerequisite for the accumulation of navel fluff. Fig. 1 shows each one example of a lint collecting and a not collecting navel.
The mass distribution of the 503 pieces of lint is shown in Fig. 2. The most abundant mass was observed for the range of 1.20–1.29 mg (29 pieces). The average value was 1.82 mg. Only few pieces with masses > 4 mg were collected.”
He collected his BBL every night for three straight years, resulting in some 503 samples. He determined:
- All samples didn’t reach a single gram.
- One piece had a mass of 1.82 milligrams.
- Seven pieces exceeded 7.2 milligrams.
- One piece was the Mount Everest of belly button fluff—9.17 milligrams.
Such objects are as threatening as the likes of the 1972 Great Daylight Fireball. The potential devastation to the planet should all that fluff not be suctioned away doesn’t bear thinking about.
Ensuring the Future of Belly Button Fluff Diversity
Just as important to the Male Belly Button Fluff Removal Service is the ethical treatment of the aforementioned fluff.
Once it is captured in the wild, every effort is taken to ensure it is obliterated in the most salubrious of fashions. This is due to our awareness of the bacterial lifeforms within said BBL.
In the 2012 study Bacteria in Belly Buttons are Highly Diverse, the researcher Robb Dunn noted this adroit observation:
“The belly button is one of the habitats closest to us, and yet it remains relatively unexplored.”
“We analyzed bacteria and arachaea from the belly buttons of humans from two different populations sampled within a nation-wide citizen science project. We examined bacterial and archaeal phylotypes present and their diversity using multiplex pyrosequencing of 16S rDNA libraries. We then tested the oligarchy hypothesis borrowed from tropical macroecology, namely that the frequency of phylotypes in one sample of humans predicts its frequency in another independent sample. We also tested the predictions that frequent phylotypes (the oligarchs) tend to be common when present, and tend to be more phylogenetically clustered than rare phylotypes. Once rarefied to four hundred reads per sample, bacterial communities from belly buttons proved to be at least as diverse as communities known from other skin studies (on average 67 bacterial phylotypes per belly button). However, the belly button communities were strongly dominated by a few taxa: only 6 phylotypes occurred on >80% humans. While these frequent bacterial phylotypes (the archaea were all rare) are a tiny part of the total diversity of bacteria in human navels (<0.3% of phylotypes), they constitute a major portion of individual reads (∼1/3), and are predictable among independent samples of humans, in terms of both the occurrence and evolutionary relatedness (more closely related than randomly drawn equal sets of phylotypes). Thus, the hypothesis that ‘oligarchs’ dominate diverse assemblages appears to be supported by human-associated bacteria.”
The Male Belly Button Fluff Removal Service concurs with whatever the hell it is he’s droning on about.
As such, we are launching a charitable organisation: Rehome Belly Button Fluff.
We shall no longer obliterate the fluff. We shall, instead, relocate the BBL to more suitable locations. Such as the corner of skirting boards of homes across the world, where the stuff seems to gather with wild abandon.
Join us on our mission. Donate! Donate your belly button fluff now!
Yet another reason to be glad that I long ago reclaimed my singleness.
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I have been embracing singledom for many a while but, alas, the belly button fluff curses my daily existence…
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