In a surprise move, snowflake liberal aliens who can’t hack a bit of banter are suing Earth for inappropriate appropriation of alien depictions in popular movies such as Independence Day (1996) and Jaws (1975).
Our sharpest legal minds are now defending the fate of Earth with decisive counterarguments, such as pointing out Jaws isn’t about an alien at all.
Let us hope, and pray, for their success before the Supreme Slobbering Alien Monster Court.
The Alien Abductee: None, this is a legal action against Earth
No one has been abducted in this case. Instead, something far worse has occurred—legally aggressive aliens are trying to put us all behind bars!
Should Earth lose this case, it will face up to 734 million years incarcerated for crimes against the Universe.
All because some snowflake aliens can’t hack a bit of James Cameron’s Aliens (1986). Why is the Universe so PC these days?! This is the reason we can’t have fun anymore!
Type of Aliens
Pathetic, petty, whingeing snowflake liberals who can’t take a bit of fun.
The 15ft monsters are luminescent pink in colour (wokey LGTBQ supporters, no doubt) and communicate by cooking eggs in a variety of ways. Their language goes like this:
- Fried eggs: “Hello. You are being sued.”
- Sunny side up eggs: “We are suing you, you bastards!”
- Poached eggs: “Nice day, is not it?”
- Boiled eggs: “Can I get a single ticket, please?”
- Boiled eggs with soldiers: “Can I get a return ticket, please?”
- Raw eggs: “I wish to complain in the harshest possible terms!”
- Omelettes: “This means war.”
- Scrambled eggs: “War has been declared.”
It’s believed the aliens waste 700 billion tonnes of eggs annually with these stupid communication tactics.
As Earth must communicate this way in return, citizens must prepare for a shortage of boiled eggs with soldiers in the years ahead.
Alien Threat Level Rating
The aliens don’t seem violent, they’ve just got a chip on their soldier because they can’t hack a bit of James’ Cameron’s Avatar: The Way of the Water (2022).
It’s been calculated the reputational damage to Earth will be enormous.
Good! Like we care what those inferior scumbags think about us. We don’t even WANT any foreign alien scum coming round these parts anyway, thank you very much!
Regardless of whether we win or lose this case, eggs are going to be in chronic short supply. The tragedy of this development is it means everyone will be forced to use wokey (or should that be… yokey!), liberal, snowflake vegan egg alternatives… what’s the Universe coming to!?
Alien Abduction Experience
Shite! This is horrendous! What happens if we lose this case!? Earth will be put on a curfew and nothing across the Universe will be able to bother use for the next 734 million years:
- No more alien abductions (you see that, aliens!? You’ll make us unemployed, you pricks!)
- No asteroid strikes into the Earth
- No more space travel
That’s right! We won’t be able to go to Mars to stand on that rock and be all smug about ourselves. ALL BECAUSE some snowflake aliens can’t hack a Blade Runner: The Final Cut (1982)!
The Universe has gone mad! It wasn’t like this in the good old days.
The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict
These aliens have gone too far! Freedom of speech is under attack and there’s only one thing left for it—plead insanity.
If Earth looks positively out of its minds (which shouldn’t be too difficult once we present THE WOKE MOB before a galactic counsel) then we should get let off the hook.
Here is, at least, hoping. We have enough problems on Earth right now with feminism destroying society. We don’t need ALIENS getting involved with their moronic concerns, too.
If we want to make films about blowing up marauding alien beings, we’ll bloody well make films about blowing up marauding alien beings.
That… that is what freedom of speech is all about.
Instead of prison time, I was able to just pay the “Bleem-zoop-humma-humma” units fine.
My lawyer used the old “zleep-woopp-jgna-jgna” defense strategy.
They objected, so I just claimed “bjeelzack-doop-doop”.
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Hmmm. I still think good old pleading insanity is the best defense in 99% of instances: tax evasion, petty theft, assault, drunk and disorderly, piracy, shoplifting. But I can see how ranting gibberish may assist with that.