The Pedestrians hit the grunge music scene in mid-2021 with their eponymous debut album (The Pedestrians), which stormed to #335 in the US independent charts.
Undeterred by this dismal showing, the band members have been working shelf stacking jobs on the side with the dream of being bigger then The Beatles. And the time is now.
Launching this week is their hotly anticipated sophomore album—Lovely Jubbly. An angst-ridden assortment of songs about blissful walks in the park, finding peace within oneself, and larking about skipping stones across rivers in carefree fashion.
Here’s an EXCLUSIVE review, hot off the press, a world-first.
Lovely Jubbly Offers a Rollercoaster of Emotions; From Lovely to Bloody Awful
Lovely Jubbly offers some upbeat tracks with themes involving really nice things, before shifting into more familiar grunge territory (about being a screw up and other stuff).
There’s a nippy 12 song album here as follows:
- Maggots (Overture)
- Flowers and Sunny Days
- Lovely Jubbly
- Excitable Puppies
- Kittens and Catnip
- Babies Laughing
- Weddings and Pure Love
- Death and Destruction and Semtex
- HELL ON EARTH
- Plague
- [Untitled]
- Maggots (Underture)
The [Untitled] track lasts for 10 minutes and consists of the band members wailing into microphones about student debt and Pot Noodle sandwiches.
To note The Pedestrians band members, we have:
- Dwayne Smith: Singer, songwriter, and guitarist. Smith is notable for his growling vocal style that’s so heavily derivative of every other grunge band out their. Despite this, he claims to be a “visionary” and is also fond of burgers.
- Wayne Willis: Bassist and backing singer. Has a large monobrow that fans often find highly distracting.
- Kim Williams: Sings backing vocals and has written one song previously for the band—Suicidal Depression Soup. This was released as a single, reaching #1,455 in the US charts.
- Hayley Deal: The band’s drummer. Was voted Worst Drummer of the Year in 2022 and aims to be voted the Second to Last Worst Drummer of the Year in 2023. Actually hates playing the drums and is really envious of Dwayne, but she can’t sing.
We’ve listened to Lovely Jubbly twice now and have to say it’s one of the worst albums we’ve ever heard in our lives. Really, really bad.
The lyrics are incoherent and nauseatingly twee/discriminatory. Just look at this for Excitable Puppies:
The dog goes woof,
It scares me and I climb a roof,
Like a bloody great big [homophobic slur].
Songwriter Dwayne Smith denies he’s a bigot, instead insisting he just writes lyrics in a continuous, repetitive, borderline puerile rhyming pattern. He told Professional Moron (see the full interview further below):
“Writing songs isn’t, per se, overly difficult. I just combine a bunch of words together and hope there’s nothing too offensive in them. If it is offensive then, hey ho, it gets us some column inches and death threats. It’s all good publicity.
So, yeah, as chief songwriter I don’t feel any pressure to write songs. I’m pelting them out!
Writing good songs, however, is a totally different matter. I’m working on improving my game there but, to be honest, I don’t think I’m cut out for this shit.”
Candid words there from Mr. Smith.
The problem is, his poor songs are godawfully bad. The mixture of upbeat stuff next to chronically depressing stuff jars badly—kind of like eating a Pot Noodle sandwich.
We don’t know what they were thinking, but The Pedestrians are destined to stacking shelves for all eternity if they don’t produce some half decent music soon.
In fact, Lovely Jubbly may be the band’s death knell. And maybe that was the point… as a teen angst statement, or something.
EXCLUSIVE Interview With The Pedestrians
Recorded on 27th May, 2023, here’s an EXCLUSIVE interview with the band. They were on fine form during the 10 minute chat to promote Lovely Jubbly.
Editor (the esteemed Mr. Wapojif): Hi.
Dwayne Smith: Sup, bro?
Editor: Not much, although I think I have scurvy.
Wayne Willis: Oh shit, bro! You need to eat some oranges or something.
Kim Williams: Yeah, I’ve got a peach flavoured chapstick, if you want to eat that?
Hayley Deal: You can’t eat chapsticks, dipshit, what’s your goddamn problem?!
Williams: Don’t speak to me like that, bitch!
Deal: Oh yeah!? You want a smack to the face, girl!?
Smith: Ladies! Enough of this negativity, you’re dragging us down! Lovely Jubbly is out and it’s a time to celebrate.
Williams: Celebrate what?! Your shit songs?!
Smith: Don’t even go there, bitch! I WROTE THOSE SONGS MYSELF DURING MY LUNCH BREAK!
Willis: Deal, you’re such a snide bitch, what’s your problem? He’s toiled away on those songs and this is how you repay him?!
Williams: But the songs ARE shit, we all know it.
Smith: No! This is my best work!
Willis: Yeah, that’s, er… maybe pushing it a little bit, dude.
Smith: What do you mean?!
Willis: Well, it’s not your BEST work, per se.
Smith: Yes it is my best work.
Deal: It really isn’t, Dwayne, this is one crap album. We’re a laughing stock.
Smith: You need to lay off the crack, Deal, then you’ll appreciate what I’ve done with this album.
Williams: You’ve written a shit album.
Smith: You’re getting yo’ ass kicked out of this band if you keep this talk up, yo.
Williams: Oh… oh no! Woe is me! What ever shall I do!? I don’t even get paid for this shit! My mother is saying, ‘Kim, honey, come home and work for dad’s business there’s a five figure salary for you here and you get paid holidays.’
Willis: Kim Williams… YOU SAID YOU WERE IN IT FOR THE MUSIC!
Williams: I wasn’t expecting the music to be so shit.
Smith: There’s only so much I can take of this, woman!
Deal: Every time! Every time we release a song, an album, it’s this same arguing and what’s the problem here!? Dwayne, if you actually wrote some good songs for a change…
Smith: THIS IS MY BEST WORK!
Willis: Dude, that’s really…
Smith: Bro, bro!? You comin’ at me, bro!?
Willis: Dude, don’t shove me like that! You wrote the goddamn songs, not me!
Smith: You comin’ at me, bro!?
Deal: Seriously, that’s, like, totally assault that Dwayne.
Williams: Oh, gawd… Wayne is on the floor. His nose is bust.
Willis: [Groaning in agony]
Smith: Yeah, that’s right! You don’t mess with Dwayne Smith, yo!
Dwayne Smith was promptly arrested and is now serving three months in jail on assault charges. He plans to spend the time improving his songwriting skills.
