Agony Aunt: “My boyfriend has a monobrow!”

Do you date a monobrow guy

Some human males are perfectly well kempt. However, other human males are unkempt. Worse still, some have a… monobrow.

This can be alarming for human females.

The monobrow dates back to pre-history when hair cavemen didn’t bother styling their eyebrows. It’s been the bane of the human female world ever since. Such as with today’s unlucky dame.

When a Man Loves His Monobrow

Dear agony aunt. I'm extreme wife material, right? All the guys wanna marry me. But I've somehow ended up lumped with my boyfriend of three weeks, Derek, who's... got... a monobrow! I didn't notice it as first because of his beautiful, long, flowing mane of man hair.

But one windy day, a gust blew his hair to one side... and I saw it. 


I saw the monobrow! We were shopping in ASDA at the time and all the customers turned to stare at me because I dropped to my knees and let rip with an ear-splitting shriek of terror. I was so hysterical the security guards dragged me out of the shop and ordered me never to return.

Afterward Derek was all like, "Babe!? What's the matter!?"

I stared at him in disbelief and backed away... slowly. Like in that scene from The Shining when the guy has the axe. Well, Derek's monobrow was his axe. And when he took a step closer to me he put the fear of AXES into me! I was drooling, sobbing, and pointing at his forehead with a pale, trembling, sweaty hand. "M-m-m-m-m-m..." I stammered.

Derek pointed at himself.

"Man?!" He said.


"Mmmmmmmmmm? Babe, are you flirting with me?!"

Steeling myself, I was finally able to screech out the dreaded word.


Derek looked confused. Then touched his hand to his forehead and felt over the central joining point of his ONE... SINGLE... EYEBROW!

"Oh, this? Babe, it's just a bit of hair, for fucks sake. That's what all this screaming's been about?!"

His cold-blooded response chilled me to the bone. Clawing at the floor in the street I rushed away from him screaming, hurtling towards the nearest police station to report this psychopath and get him jailed for LIFE without the chance of PAROLE.

Well, the coppers didn't see it that way.

Apparently, there's no law blocking guys letting it all hang out with a monobrow. This is just further proof the patriarchy has it in for womankind. With all these monobrows on the loose in society, and guys thinking it's fine and all that... the future looks bleak.

Shellshocked, I went home that night to my flat. I got my phone and texted Derek. "its over" I put. "wot" was his response. "its over monobrow guy". he sent back "babe wtf? ill shave it of if your that bothered about it ffs". "yes do that"

And he did that. The monobrow is gone.

It's a small victory, but an important one in the history of feminism. I'm now writing to you as I've set up an organisation: Women Against the Gross World of Male Monobrows (WAGWMM).

Help me spread the word about this movement so we can END monobrows once and for all! Yours, The Monobrow Warrior (Susan)

Hi there, Monobrow Warrior. This is a bit like those men who refuse to use drinks coasters. Cut from the same cloth, are monobrow guys. But even more sinister, deranged, and out to destroy society.

Derek may have shaved his monobrow off… but that won’t stop it growing back again.

Think about it. What if he can’t be bothered shaving it off next time? What then!? What if you ask him REALLY POLITELY and he’s like, “Nah, babe, chill. It’s just some hair.”

Here are the reasons why it’s NOT “just some hair”:

  • It’s gross.
  • ONE EYEBROW. Not two. ONE!
  • Next it’ll be nose hair, ear hair, and knuckle hair ALL JOINED into one giant combover of a monobrow and your life is then OVER.

Monobrow Man Syndrome is a very real condition. It afflicts men with monobrows. Sadly, there’s no known cure (other than just shaving off the middle bit between his two eyebrows from time to time).

One tip we can offer you is to wax the monobrow off Derek during his sleep, should he let the thing grow back.

But our advice is don’t even let it get to that stage. Dump his ass the SLIGHEST HINT of a tuft of hair appearing anywhere eyebrow hair shouldn’t be appearing. And may GOD have mercy on your soul, Monobrow Warrior.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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