Desk eating. Are there two words more horrifying to the English language? Not even “nuclear apocalypse” can hold water to this abomination of a concept.

Employees can be so loathsome and putrid in their personal responsibility, they… decide to eat their breakfast or lunch AT THEIR DESK!

But should you dismiss such uncouth lunatics from your workplace? We explore your options as an employer in The Age of Eating at Desks.

Employment Laws Regarding Eating at Desks

The Eating at Desks Act 1974 regulates this matter. It’s analogous to employees stealing colleague lunches (The Employees Stealing Lunches at Work Act 1974), yet is just, like, much, MUCH worse.

Orders of magnitude worse.

Think of desk eating as akin to someone stealing £300 million from charities and then blaming that theft on a nice old lady who just likes arranging flowers and talking about cushions in her retirement.

That level of diabolical.

As an employer, it’s your duty of care to ensure your employees don’t starve to death. As such, it’s essential they eat some food at least once a week.

However, if they’re doing this whilst at their desk then in the Big Book of Oh Sweet Holy Jesus employer no-nos, that’s a no.

As the world-famous billionaire Jeffrey Berserk quoted (most famously):

“When one eats at one’s desk one is, essentially, committing oneself to an insane asylum. The act of eat at a desk is so abhorrent, so repugnant, so vile, so detrimental, that one can only assume that Satan is responsible for this state of affairs.”

But what are the problems of employees at their desks? The desks aren’t to blame. The employees are. As it can lead to:

• Food spillage: Explosions and/or eruptions due to food juice getting into computer electrics. Did you know a simple Pot Noodle could lead to KABOOM! and the end of your livelihood? Indeed. Stamp it out!
• Stench: Food at desks smells worse than food in a canteen. This is a fact verified by God.
• Crumbs: Desk food leads to desk littering. Crumbs can lead to swarms of rats and plague outbreaks. This is bad for business.

The only way to stop desk eating is to stop people eating at their desks. But what does that entail? [Insert segue into next section here, it’ll flow well for the dumbasses reading this]

How to Stop Employees Eating at Their Desks

To stop employees eating at their desks, consider the following:

• Remove all desks: This would work with 100% certainty, with the only downside your employees would no longer have anywhere to work. To overcome this dilemma, force your employees to work on the “seats” in the workplace toilets (i.e. the toilet seat).
• Remove all food: No more food for your employees. However, do note this can lead to starvation and that’s really bad for productivity.
• All-you-can-eat buffet: Provide a daily buffet in the lobby so your staff can stuff themselves senseless there. Do note, this can lead to mid-afternoon lethargy crashes due to gluttony.
• Fire everyone: With no employees, there’ll be no eating at desks. However, do note this means you’ll have to carry out all work by yourself. This can lead to working harder than everyone else and becoming a billionaire… which, actually, is the goal of every single human being since time began. Go for it!
• Hazmat suits: Stick all employees into hazmat suits. Eating within this is:
  • Difficult.
  • Contained.
• Don’t run a business: With no business, you have no concerns about employees getting crumbs everywhere. The only downside to this is you don’t get to end up a billionaire, instead some schlub who has to work for some weirdo obsessed with employees not eating at desks.

Remember, although it’s your duty of care to ensure employees are eating, it’s not your duty of care to ensure they’re not eating.

This philosophical conundrum is easily solved by this quote from 50 Shades of Gray:

“The”

As in, the desk eating shouldn’t be your issue. But it is, as without your employees you’ll actually stop getting superrich off other people’s hard work and have to start doing some yourself.

As a CEO, this is untenable and must be addressed with violent all-you-can-eat buffet campaigns. Only this will ensure your business doesn’t end in bankruptcy, homelessness, and horror.