Whether you have remote, hybrid, or in-office employees… YOU MUST TRACK THEIR EACH AND EVERY MOVE FROM HERE INTO ETERNITY!

Micro-management is the GUARANTEED way to ensure your employees don’t waste A SINGLE SECOND of their working day making YOU wealthy!

That’s where Subordinate Snooping delivers 110% ROI.

Create the ultimate toxic working environment NOW with our affordable, effective software that ramps up paranoia and feelings of distrust to epidemic levels!

Subordinate Snooping: Eliminate Slacking Off and Quiet Quitting for the ULTIMATE in Unhappy Employees and a TOXIC Working Environment!

Did you know that if your employees work from home they’ll do no work at all? Yes! They’ll just sit there on the sofa eating crisps and scratching their butts.

THAT IS A WASTE OF TIME, MONEY, AND PRODUCTIVITY!!!

The ONLY POSSIBLE solution to this crisis of insubordination and socialist-driven laziness is to MONITOR ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING YOUR EMPLOYEES DO 24/7!!!!

With Subordinate Snooping you can DO JUST THAT! For only £500 per month per employee, install our SaaS product to monitor and track:

• Employee keyboard strokes to ensure they’re NOT GOOFING OFF!
• Web activity to ensure your employees aren’t on TIKTOK or PORN!
• Your employees’ EVERY MOVE with real-time photographs and store pictures (totally not in a creepy paranoid way at all) to monitor staff members for signs of:
  • Hangovers.
  • Drug addiction.
  • Fatigue.
  • Boredom.
  • QUIET QUITTING!
  • Procrastination!
• Send photographs to doctors and psychiatrists for daily feedback on the full working capacity of your employees.
• Record EVERY SINGLE movement on your employees DAILY with cutting-edge CCTV to ensure staff DON’T IDLE.
• TOILET BREAKS! Your employees SHOULD NOT be on the toilet for more than 10 minutes per day as toilet time is lost productivity time!

Remember, all of the above is sure to cultivate a work culture of unhappiness (even dread) and general dissatisfaction with working life in your business.

That’s okay, though! It’s not like there are 10,000+ of other businesses staff could go and work for instead (and ones with relaxed policies regarding targets to meet).

Because in your state of total, delusional anxiety and paranoia IT’S ESSENTIAL YOU KEEP TRACK OF EMPLOYEES BECAUSE YOU’VE MADE THE DECISION TO HIRE THESE BASTARDS AND NOW THERE’S NO WAY (⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️) YOU CAN TRUST THEM! EVER!!!

Frequently Asked Questions About Employee Monitoring Software

Now you’ve worked yourself into a total frenzy about procrastinating employees, how else can you make Subordinate Snooping work for your business? Here are some answers!

Since using employee monitoring software I’ve noticed employee turnover rates have skyrocketed and everyone hates working for my business. How can I ramp up micro-management further to keep track of these workshy vagabonds!?!

To ensure employees don’t skip even a second of work a day you can also bring bouncers into your workplace. These burly men can wield trudgens and are legally allowed to wallop employees who appear to be slacking off (i.e. a second toilet break that morning, the nerve!).

Nothing says “GET BACK TO WORK!” quite like an arm breaking slam from a burly trudgen wielding geezer.

Granted, the employee will need months to recover due to their broken arm but it’s worth it rather than them SLACKING OFF for a few minutes when making a cup of tea!

I’ve read that using employee monitoring software creates a toxic working environment. How can I convince my dumb employees, even as they quit in droves, this isn’t the case?

Simple! Send them daily pictures of the working environment. Is there any sign of toxic sludge and/or waste? No? Right, so it can’t possibly be a toxic working environment!

Female staff have complained about the constant picture taking of them being “creepy”. How do I explain to them it isn’t creepy at all, it’s merely the actions of a wildly mistrustful egomaniac with an insecurity streak a mile wide?

Well, you can tell them honestly like you just did there, fine sir! And of course taking pictures of employees daily to store in a databank isn’t creepy! It’s just being thorough!

Only a FOOL would be weirded out by their employer constantly taking pictures of them throughout the day.

There’s a school of thought that suggests I’ve decided to hire my employees so should probably afford them a modicum of trust. Is there any truth in such a notion?

Bullshit! Who told you that!? Let us guess, some beard stroking socialist scumbag who scrounges off the state for a living and eats nothing but vegan burgers!

What does a pathetic wastrel like that know about running a business!?

No, listen to the masses. And the masses all quit, or plan to leave, businesses with employee monitoring software at the first available opportunity.

A toxic workplace is a guaranteed way to churn through staff like a SOB, thus ensuring you squander top talent and rely on an ongoing series of false impressions to con yourself out of the reality check you most definitely need right now.