Watching movies as a couple, or a family, is a wonderful cultural experience. At least, it should be… but what if your OAF of a man bloke feels the need to provide a running commentary throughout the film?

It’s a cinematic conundrum many a human female has had to endure. Thus, let us explore it today with much huffing and puffing.

Man Blokes and the Need to Talk Over (and predict narrative developments) in Movies

Dear agony aunt,

My husband and me have been married for six months. We went out for six months before that so you could say it were a whirlwind romance a bit like my favourite film Titanic where Jack and Rose fall in love with each other and plan out their lives together over the space of about 48 hours until that BLOODY iceberg RUINED EVERYTHING!

Anyway, me and hubby like watching films together but he does this dead annoying thing where he talks over the film CONSTANTLY and doesn’t shut up! From the opening credits to the final credits he’s predicting plot developments, criticising actors her doesn’t like, mocking any character who bursts into tears (“Look at that woke pansy snowflake!”), and ALWAYS rooting for the bad guys.

My fave film is Titanic and we watch it at least once and week.

Hubby hates the film and thinks it’s “chick flick shite” but he let’s us watch it because it’s a “special favour” to me. One he COMPLETELY RUINS by talking throughout the film and CONSTANTLY mocking Jack as an “effeminate pansy” right up until he “gets with” Rose and then suddenly he thinks Jack is “one of the lads, despite his stupid hair and how he looks like a woman!”

But he does the same thing! Not just this film, but all of them, it’s VERY ANNOYING he does it with Titanic. It’s like this:

“Oh here we go! Here’s that pansy ponce Jack doing that ‘King of the world!’ bit who does he think he is? He’s a working class scumbag with a mop for a hairdo. He should get a job cleaning out the latrines. That’s all he’s good for. He needs to get a haircut!”

Then they see the iceberg and hubby is like, “These men are incompetent! They should have hit the brakes and slowed down so they wouldn’t hit the iceberg. They have the mentality of a woman! Pansies!”

Then the ship starts sinking and he’s like, “That’s a classic example of the woke mob, that is, REAL MEN would have crafted a ship that DOESN’T sink if you hit an iceberg. I bet when the ship sinks Jack will get off with some top totty and marry into wealth when he’s back in New York. That’s what a REAL MAN would do, but part of me still thinks this foppish bellend will just probably die while trying to save Rose or summit. The pansy!”

He thinks the Titanic disaster, from 1912, is a classic example of how “soft we’re all getting these days” and I’m not sure what to make of this idiot.

HE’S RUINING FILM NIGHT FOR ME!

What should I do?

Thanks, Jenny

Hi there Jenny. What your man bloke is doing is a mixture of mansplaining and that other thing where blokes won’t admit they need to use a map.

What you could do in revenge is let him pick a film he wants to watch. Let him pick a really macho one like Predator (1987). Then when the film is on go like this:

“Oh here we go! Look at all these really buff guys out in the jungle together sweating and being manly, this film is so homoerotic! And look at that! They’re all being killed by that alien… what are they, snowflake pansies!? REAL MEN wouldn’t be slaughtered so easily, they’d at least put up a fight!”

Just talk like that throughout the film. The outcome will be one of these:

• Your husband will throw a colossal temper tantrum after 15 minutes, after which you can point out his hypocrisy.
• Your husband will sit their quietly fuming for the entire film and will huff and puff himself into a stoic rage.
• Your husband will get very tetchy and insist it’s a very manly film for real men. At this point he may stand up, rip his top off, and flex his man muscles to prove his point.
  • If he does that, use the moment to jeer at him, call him “flabby”, and tell him he needs to hit the gym.

Whilst this isn’t healthy behaviour for any relationship in the long-term, it’ll provide you with a short-term release whilst you plan your next Titanic watch.

Bickering is part of any normal relationship. So, ramp up the spite until he begins questioning his masculinity.

The outcome will be he’ll likely spend much more time in the gym getting buff, thusly ensuring you can watch Titanic without him there and you can enjoy it properly. Problem solved.