Being British, the agony aunt was very, very embarrassed indeed this week when we were contracted by a human female in distress.
So much so we very nearly ignored the message to go and help someone more deserving. Someone less corrupted by moral decay.
But… because no one else wrote in this week we had no choice but to tackle the flatulence foible. Here are our musings.
Bed-Based Flatulence: Should You Give a Sheet?
Hiya agony aunt,
I’m Janine. I’m 25 and my boyfriend Ryan is a nice guy, but just a little on the foul-smelling and enormously uncivilised side of things. I know guys are supposed to be gross, noisy, and smelly, but what he does is a step too far!
He CONSTANTLY lets rip in bed. All the time. Doesn’t matter if he’s asleep or awake, we’ve been going out for three months so he doesn’t feel the ned to “put on an act anymore” (as he puts it). But which he means he doesn’t feel the need to:
- Cover his mouth when he sneezes
- Chew with his mouth shut
- Wear deodorant
- Wash regularly
- Wash his clothes regularly
- Control his flatulence
The result is he kind of stinks like a gross man blokes and kind of just wanders about the place like a lumbering bloody great big smell. It’s really annoying! I can’t take him anywhere without him looking like a tramp!
Plus, I can’t get any sleep!
I’ve literally got sleep deprivation because of my boyfriend. He’s my first long-term boyfriend. Is that what relationships are supposed to be about? Him just going about being a gross bloke and not bothering to even clean himself anymore?
When we started dating he was a real gentleman! He’d bring me flowers, whisper me sweet nothings (like “you look dead fit you do, babe!”), and was so romantic! We’d go to McDonald’s for romantic dinners and hold hands while watching gory horror films at the cinema.
What’s happened!? Now he just aimlessly wanders around expecting me to clear his clothes up off the floor. My floor! In my flat! It’s like… dating this guy has made me realise why my female friends are “feminists”. It’s kind of making me want to be one, too.
Any suggestions? Yours, Janine.
Hi there, Janine! What you’ve entered into here is the manosphere world of bad smells. You name it, he’s there to exhibit it.
Having won you over with his opening charm offensive of trips to McDonald’s and gory horror films, he’s now settling down and expecting you to run his life for him.
You have two conventional paths you can take:
- Kowtow to his every demand and become a dutiful man slave.
- Smother him with a pillow.
The unconventional path may be more appealing to you at this time. This may seem extreme, but it’s likely the only route to take.
Get him drunk and enrol him in the army.
The training process for this lasts for 49 weeks, during which time he’ll learn some life skills. Including, but not limited to:
- Cleaning up after himself.
- Maintaining a keen sense of self-discipline.
- Scrubbing the floor in only his underpants.
- Having no one for company except other man blokes.
Your boyfriend can drop out of the army after this phase and he’ll respond to your every request (such as not breaking wind in bed) with a thunderous, “SIR, YES SIR!!”
Problem solved. 👍
