For many years, we’ve been under the belief a Drunk Day at work should exist. This is an idiotic opinion, sure, but it’s one we’re standing by.
Think about the benefits!
Everyone getting on splendidly well, a new angle when approaching work, and vomit all over the photocopier etc. Sure, there may be the odd punch-up and boozy singing, as opposed to working productively, but we’ve decided to explore the idea in today’s short story.
Drunk Working Wednesdays in an Inebriated Business World
Synopsis: A small business tries to get-ahead-of-the-curve by promoting Drunk Wednesdays as a thing. The drunken experiment is a rousing success! Arguably. Potentially. Ish.
Cast:
- One delusional CEO 🧑💼
- Alcohol 🍷
- An assortment of drunk employees 🥴
My name is Harry and I run a highly successful digital agency on the outskirts of Bolton, Greater Manchester. The agency is called Dickhead Digital and we specialise in ideational ideating for those in need of ideation.
It’s tough being a digital agency owner.
Motivating employees is TOUGH! That’s why I created Drunk Working Wednesdays to engage, motivate, and empower my workforce towards greater heights of productivity. Some would suggest I pay my staff more than dismal wages, but what the hell do CRITICS know about running a business!?
The First Drunk Working Wednesday
It began with a workshop.
I conceived my idea while slightly hungover during a Monday morning meeting. I thought to myself, “Shit… if I could have a glass of wine right now I’d be much more on point with my blue sky delineations!” The idea conceived, later that day I created a roadmap for introducing Drunk Working Wednesday that very Wednesday. The idea was implemented.
I forced my employees to engage out of sheer free will. They agreed—signed a legal waiver on Tuesday evening.
They began filing in that wet and windy Wednesday morning. We were blasting that Baywatch theme song (I’m Always Here) because I remember it from my university days and it simultaneously got me dancing and feeling like I needed to weep uncontrollably. The perfect boozy music!
My receptionist, Judy, plied my employees with cocktails as they settled at their desks for the day. One of them, the web developer Derek, said, “Oh no thanks, I’ll have a glass of wine in the afternoon.”
Already tanked up on gin and cheap cider, I staggered out of my office breathe my explanation into his face. Wobbling slightly, I explained to him that this was the “productivity revolution” and he was a part of that. Should he back out, he was slighting my business and wouldn’t be in consideration for an end-of-year bonus.
Derek was clearly repulsed by the stench of my booze breath wheezing into his face at 9am on a miserable rainy morning.
Judy handed him a Cosmopolitan cocktail.
Derek held it tentatively in one hand. I sneered haughtily down at him—I knew he was on a diet and watching his weight right now. He took a polite sip. “DOWN IN ONE!” I shouted. He took another polite sip. “DOWN… IN… ONE!!” I chanted, stamping my foot on the floor, clapping, and encouraging my employees to join in. Derek looked truly flummoxed. In the end, he downed it in one. He almost chucked it back up, but kept it down while I encouraged everyone in the office to cheer and egg him on for another drink.
Such comradery and rapport made me realise this Drunk Working Wednesday was, indeed, the right decision! An inspired move. Other digital agencies would hear of this and think, “Wow! Dickhead Digital was ahead of the curve!”
Midday and beyond
The productivity experiment hit a stumbling block at 12. Several of my employees had collapsed in an unconscious heap on the floor having just thrown up. One beer too many, it would seem.
I wasn’t going to let some lightweights hold back my vision!
Judy hosed them down and they were pale and disorientated, back on their feet in no time and requesting to go to bed. After plying them with vodka and energy drink mixers, they were capable of tapping at their keyboard in between bouts of slipping off back to sleep.
Meanwhile, Derek had stripped down to this underpants, was standing on his desk, and whirling his trousers around his head. As he did this he roared over and over, “THE REFEREE’S A WANKER!”
I requested he get down off the table and continue with his work, but he roared back at me, “YOU STARTIN’!?” and wanted a fight. I was most displeased with his behaviour! Also, being quite unsteady on my feet by that point, I would have been useless in a fight. So I decline, but he called me a “chicken!” and threw a bottle of beer at me. It missed and smashed through a window.
Other employees were doing other work-based activities:
- Sarah my copywriter: Was sobbing over her keyboard helplessly because her boyfriend had just left her.
- Jane from PR: Dancing provocatively, she was flirting outrageously with anyone and everyone. Even with our clients. In several meetings she asked whoever appeared in the meeting out on a date. It’s apparent she has at least six dates for later this night.
- Jeff in accounts: Slurring his speech, the normally polite Jeff became surly and obnoxious. He started telling everyone “what I really think about you” and told me he’d be quitting soon because he thought I was a “piece of shit” and a “useless” boss.
Judy the receptionist was our mediator through all of this and I’d instructed her not to drink anything, only take notes on the business experiment.
The behaviour of my employees was very unproductive.
It must be noted. I had expected the exact opposite from Drunk Working Wednesday, but by 5pm all we had achieved this day was:
- Acrimony
- Bitter resentment
- Vomit
- Deadlines missed
Even Jane from PR couldn’t attend any of the dates she’d organised earlier in the day, she was too drunk to walk home. Judy called my employees a cab and sent them off home pallid, foul-smelling, and uncoordinated.
Judy and I then had an end-of-day meeting to compare notes, but I passed out 60 seconds into the meeting.
The Morning After the First Drunk Working Wednesday
To my surprise, there was a 70% increase in absenteeism the day after Drunk Working Wednesday. Sarah, Derek, and Jeff phoned in sick. Apparently they’d all come down with a mysterious illness.
Jane made it in, but sat there looking the worse for wear and kept excusing herself every five minutes. Strange sounds akin to someone throwing up could then be heard from the lady’s bathroom.
I asked her what her problem was.
She looked sheepishly at me, then asked if she could have a glass of wine to take the “edge” off her hangover. My answer was blunt and to the point, “No.” Then I rounded on her with a lecture about how drinking on the job is highly unprofessional and grounds for instant dismissal. She brought up Drunk Working Wednesdays and how I’d allowed that as if I was some sort of hypocrite.
In patronising fashion, I explained to her that was for Drunk Working Wednesday and that today was, in fact, Thursday. Therefore, her point was redundant.
My hangover from the day before was pretty full on, though, and I needed a powernap at 1pm to assist with my productivity. Later that afternoon I snuck out of the office for a cheeky few pints in the local pub. That made me feel a lot better, but I didn’t fancy working after that. At 4pm when I was counting the seconds down to the end of this awful day, Judy reported to me that Jane had raised an issue in HR for Derek’s drunken behaviour the day before.
And for my conduct on the Thursday.
Bloody feminism again, trying to ruin all our fun!
Here at Dickhead Digital, I was determined to make a stand in the name of business beverages! From that moment on, I decided to make Drunk Work Wednesdays a permanent fixture in our office routine. The productivity I saw thanks to that binge drinking session was unprecedented.
What I learned yesterday? Business is the greatest mixer with alcohol. Who needs ice, tonic, and a slice of lemon when you’ve got boring meetings to attend and your web dev waving his pants around his head? It facilitated our ideational ideating to a far greater extent than any new-fangled REMOTE WORKING or FOUR DAY WEEK, that was proven.
