A major baked beans-based protest/riot ERUPTED this morning in London, led by a horde of angry women (including Brits, Canadians, and British Chinese ladies).

It’s unclear why these women are so angry about baked beans, except for the EXPLOSIVE fury surrounding the EXPLODING price of a standard 415g tin.

The women chanted the likes of “CHEAP BEAKED BEANS! CHEAP BAKED BEANS!” and “BEANS ON TOAST SHOULDN’T BANKRUPT A HOST!” before ending the first day of protesting with an uncontrollable riot and much looting.

Baked Beans Riots: What We Know So Far

A tin of baked beans can now begin at the price of £1.40.

Compare this to the baked beans price war of 1994, when baked beans costs went as low as 3p a tin, and it’s understandable why citizens are ready to destroy society.

Some 130,000 protestors ripped through the streets of London, upending cars, and screaming hysterically at plates of beans on toast. Some women even had giant cauldrons of baked beans, which they stirred and consumed from with much relish.

When baked beans are fast approaching unaffordability, the very structure of capitalism would appear to be in crisis.

We spoke to beans expert Dr. Samantha Been (M.D., Ph.D., Ed.D, A.P.A.) the president of The Baked Beans Society and director of The Baked Beans Research Organisation. She told us:

“Baked beans are great! No one’s disputing that. Or, if they are, they’ve got me to deal with. I’d slug ’em one in the mush, me!

That aside, the core problem of society right now is the cost of baked beans. I don’t have to worry about this because I earn a lot of money because I work harder than everyone else. But lazy people, or the unemployable, can no longer buy baked beans. That’s a shame, but not the end of the world. So long as some people can eat baked beans I’m happy. Beans aren’t a charity. You have to earn them.”

Dr. Samantha Been, Baked Beans Expert

Dr. Been was criticised for her “callous” remarks, but refused to apologise. She was later spotted buying a bumper pack of spaghetti hoops and is now widely considered a disgraced hypocrite.

The Cost of Baked Beans: Will They Drop?

With a spiralling housing crisis, cost-of-living crisis, and general crisis of everything, the baked beans crisis is another crisis for crises sake.

We spoke exclusive with an MP, who wished to remain anonymous, and he told us.

“Why the fuck not? Everything else is a goddamn disaster, and we’re a bunch of corrupt and incompetent dunces hopelessly out of touch with reality, so we might as well ruin baked beans for everyone else, too.”

Anonymous MP

Of the rioting, the MP had this to add.

“Yes, people certainly shouldn’t be rioting. When people riot, that’s a clear sign of anger, I’d say, but ultimately it’s down to PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY to buy your own baked beans. I don’t eat that rubbish anyway, I eat nothing but organic caviar and the finest foods as funded by the taxpayer. And the taxpayer should put up, shut up, and buy baked beans to support the economy.”

Anonymous MP

It’s expected the price of baked beans is set to rise further, which may well induce further rioting and, if things aren’t controlled, the outbreak of World War III.

Calls For Emergency Aid and Baked Beans Shelters

With the threat of further nationwide carnage across the UK, there have been calls for emergency aid to airdrop 1,000s of baked beans tins across the country.

There’s also a plan to turn Anderson shelters (air raid shelters used in the Blitz) into baked beans shelters. These will protect beleaguered citizens from scalding hot baked beans landing on them in the event of explosions and other gubbins.

Is this a step too far (yes it is)? Are baked beans shelters another plot by the woke mob (yes, they are)? Let us know in our reader’s poll.

The Riot Police Will Save the Day

By the afternoon, some 20,000 police officers were storming the streets of London to politely demand the women to stop rioting.

They did not stop rioting.

Professional Moron was on the scene by 5pm for exclusive interviews, having travelled down from Manchester to London via budget class train ticket, and interviewed onlookers. One of them, a Mr. Barry Compton, told us this.

“The women was running around with baked beans, beans on toast, all that sort of comfort food stuff. It made me hungry, it did, but when the riot police turned up they did nothing probably because they’re scared of feminism. I told a copper he was a big girl’s blouse and he tasered me to the floor. Serves me right, I guess…”

Mr. Barry Compton, an onlooker

The riot ended in orderly fashion at 5:30pm as women headed home to catch the latest episode of the James Clavell book to TV show adaptation of Shōgun on Disney+.

These furious women are expected to be back tomorrow with more demands for the reduction of baked beans prices.

Editor’s Opinion: This is NOT a Baked Bean Crisis

Tonight, after a day of SHAME and IGNOMINY, we close with the thoughts of our esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif, whom has thrice in the past been (no pun intended) arrested for stealing tins of baked beans from supermarkets.

“After a day of shame like this it’s important for the nation to stop for a second, think, genuflect, exhort vociferously, and blame everything on Marxism. Our baked beans have been tainted by Karl Marx. This is a sad day in the history of our great nation and the only solution is to PURGE baked beans in giant fires in the street. It’s Guy Fawkes night all over again. But this time with more beans. I say this… LET THE RIOTING CONTINUE! ARGGHH!“

Mr. Wapojif, Editor and baked bean enthusiast

Please note, our editor’s incitement to riot isn’t an opinion reflected by the publication he edits. Please do not riot. Behave yourselves, FFS, or you’ll wind up in jail.

One that probably serves low-quality, no frills baked beans for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.