Some human males need something to mask their manly stench. It’s true the putrid reek of most man blokes is enough to have human females sprinting away in disgust.

Aftershave enters the fray; heroic, just, and true! For every geezer of the land, this stuff will get you a girlfriend, find your fiancé, and/or save your marriage.

Sadly, thanks to feminism, there are some women out there whose HATRED of aftershave knows no bounds. Such as with today’s damsel in distress.

The Importance of Aftershave in Every Relationship

Dear agony aunt,

I’m writing to you wondering why my husband has to spend £657 pounds a year on aftershave when it makes him smell like he’s just fallen over in the perfume section of a SEWER. Yes you read that right! A sewer! Not a nice smelling patch of fresh roses of daffodils, like a SEWER.

It baffles me so. Why does he think such a rancid stench is manly and pleasant? He does the Home Alone thing every day. That film with Macaulay Culkin where he’s home alone and shaves for the first time, puts on aftershave, then bellows a might roar of manly agony. It’s toxic masculinity at its worst and it peaked right there in that iconic scene that no doubt also boosted the sales of the odious stuff.

Anyway, my husband Geoffrey took that film to heart when he was a kid and he’s now convinced he’s some sort of Aftershave Messiah. He wishes to “travel the land” buying, stealing, selling, and promoting aftershave products. He’s been warned by the police to “cut that crap out” and also arrested on multiple occasions.

He’s particularly fond of Old Spice. He even thinks it’s possible to drink the stuff and mixes it into his beer… that may explain why he keeps vomiting on a regular basis. Or maybe that’s just down to his relentless spraying and sploshing of aftershave over himself. He stinks! Work have told him to seek psychiatric assistance and banned him from attending for a month until fully recovered. He responded by barging into the office anyway and spraying aftershave everywhere from a makeshift cannon (a fire extinguisher filled up with Old Spice).

I’ve pleaded with him. I said, “You bloody idiot, Geoffrey! You’re ruining in your life in the name of Home Alone, you foolish man!”

He roared back at me, “I SHALL TAKE CONTROL OF MY LIFE IN THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW, YOU BATTLE AXE!” However, this berserk outburst seemed to cause him an emotional breakdown as he burst into tears, collapsed on the floor whimpering, and pleaded with me to get him some Old Spice.

Because he looked so pathetic sprawled out on the floor like that I felt sorry for him. So I did what he asked.

Later I found him sat in front of the TV drinking beer laced with aftershave, belching, and sporadically throwing up. Unfortunately, despite my wedding vows, I must question whether it was wise to marry this man.

How am I supposed to find him attractive when he walks about the place smelling like a wet mule that’s also just wandered through the perfume aisle at ASDA?!

Yours,

Hannah

Hi there, Hannah. Men like rancid smelling things, which is why they’re so drawn to stuff like:

• Beer
• Deodorant
• Deodorant beer
• Aftershave

You’re simply overreacting and the simple solution here is to simply drink more beer. The more of it you drink, the more you’ll become convinced your lard arse husband is actually almost as good looking as Brad Pitt.

Naturally, the next day when you wake up hungover and nauseated, you’ll soon realise that isn’t the case. But the point of this is to indulge in wilful delusions to cope with your husband’s demented behaviour. All the best!