The leftist WOKE MOB has now ruined CARROTS! This horrifying development follows the putative failure of the lauded WOKE MOP to ERADICATE the  freedom of speech problem (with a mop).

Now, a newer and truly more terrifying (like, we’re totally quaking in our boots on this) prospect has appeared in the form of… RAINBOW CARROTS. The carrots, which go really well with casseroles, winter warming soups, and roast dinners, are predicted to bring about the end of the FREE WORLD within the next 12 months.

In an exclusive, panic-stricken, and barely coherent feature, we can reveal rainbow carrots are LGBTQ+ and a horrifying reminder that EVEN IN FOOD leftist commie bastards can ruin our freedom of speech.

Rainbow Carrots Will Corrupt Your Children

This morning we spoke to a conspiracy theory numbnuts to discuss rainbow carrots. Jeff, who runs a delightfully hate-filled X account by the name of LibtardFilthWokeyBstds, told us:

“Libtards have poisoned the soil with their hippy dippy vibes and that’s what led carrots to became rainbow carrots. I had to down a pint of gin to work up the nerve to do this, but yesterday I walked into a vegan café and… *sobbing fitfully*… and the communists were THERE EATING THEIR VEG-BASED DISHES WITH RAINBOW CARROTS ON THEM! The Libtards asked if I was ‘okay’ and so I brandished an axe at them and told them their demonic presence would be PURGED from the land for invading on my freedom of speech! After I started chopping at them indiscriminately, while screaming hysterically but NOT like a snowflake, they called the cops on me and I was arrested. That is SO TYPICAL OF THE HATEFUL INTOLERANT LEFT! And yet further proof the leftist cult will rob us all of our freedom of speech.”

With rainbow carrots set to rob you and your family of freedom of speech, we decided to perform field analysis. Thus, we purchased a packet of rainbow carrots from our nearest supermarket.

Donned in full hazmat suits, we carefully prised open the packet to discover, to our eternal horror, GAY CARROTS! With the colours of:

• Purple
• Yellow
• Orange
• Hints of red (definite commie, that one)
• One of them had a bit of mould on it and we had to chuck it in the bin

That last mouldy one was TOO MUCH and led to our snowflake apprentice fleeing the office whilst screaming at the top of his lungs, “RAINBOW CARROTS WILL BE THE DEATH OF US ALL!”

Whilst we laughed at his snowflakery, we also, in our infinite wisdom, realise… he is correct. Thus, we spoke with anti-woke experts to determine how to ensure rainbow carrots WON’T be the death of us all.

Tactics to Ensure Rainbow Carrots Don’t Kill Everyone

“It’s really very simple. All that is required is to drop atom bombs on the rainbow carrot farms, thus eradicating this heinous brand of carrot from the face of the Earth.” John McDunce, Newly appointed Head of Science at Head of Science Enterprises

As John McDunce helpfully pointed out, nuclear warfare is likely the only solution to the rainbow carrot problem.

However, whilst we wait for the bombs to save everyone, other tactics you can employ to ensure the safety of freedom of speech include:

• Refusing to eat any meals with carrots in them
  • Should this mean you starve to death… SO BE IT! This is for the good of mankind (as opposed to humankind)
• As above, but with carrot cake
  • Rest assured, there are many types of cake so you can slake your cake-based desires on those (i.e. chocolate cake—just make sure it hasn’t got any rainbow carrots hidden inside)
• Purge all available copies of Bugs Bunny
• Go after rabbits in general, them bloody bastards like carrots!

You should also violently protest in your local vicinity with the chant of “DEATH TO CARROT SOUP!” Additionally, acquire all available bottles or jaws of carrot juice and have them demolished by a bulldozer driven by an outraged man in a food-stained vest.

This is the healing process. The first step to a safer, smarter society.