Okay, here we go! It’s Christmas Eve and Santa provided us with his pre-Christmas Eve update yesterday. Our office apprentice read it and was reduced to a blubbering wreck. In a good way? Maybe not.

Well, after Santa’s AI experiments and today’s stuff we must ask ourselves… is Santa Claus really the ideal man for the job now? Perhaps it’s time for a vast conglomerate to take Xmas and stamp tedious corporate values all over it.

Anyway, this isn’t above us. Let’s hand over to Santa!

Mascot Extravaganza: Christmas Steve

Santa had a proper belting idea over the weekend. A new mascot for the Christmas run… CHRISTMAS STEVE! The idea is for me, Santa, to channel the LAYMAN (i.e. poor people) and make the whole Santa stuff each year more RELATABLE and that kind of thing.

Before anyone accuses me of being WOKE, just keep in mind one thing—shut up!

It’s a ploy to create a false sense of branding. The idea that I, Santa, GET the common people! Which I don’t. I think they’re rancid and idiotic and ambling aimlessly through their pathetic and dismal lives. However, me giving them Barbie dolls each year keeps them happy and makes me rich and so all is right in the world.

Enter Christmas Steve!

We’ve hired a last-minute actor guy to do this and yesterday he did his first bit if marketing stuff. The idea is for him to play this working class scumbag who likes eating pies, punching people, and drinking. A bit like Santa, really! But I’m rich.

Christmas Steve on Christmas Eve

Christmas Steve is “rotund” (the WOKE way of putting it, he’s just a lard arse in general and VERY ugly and nowhere near as good looking as Santa) and we shaved the actor’s head so he’d be a bald headed bastard. That’s some serious Christmas spirit there, that is. The actor is really called Sebastian. He’s fallen on hard times and his stage career is stumbling, so he’s had to go to more demeaning work like this to feed his family. I think he’s a sad sack of shite! And I told him.

“You’re a sad sack of shite, mate!” I snarled.

“…” He then burst into tears.

“GET INTO CHARACTER THIS INSTANT! I’m not paying you to blub!”

Sebastian has classical stage training of the Stanislavski’s system. When he said Stanislavski’s system I thought the factory was under attack from communists and so set the alarm system wailing. But then he roared at me overing the wailing din what the Stanislavski’s system is and I bellowed at him to shut up and get to work. Then I turned the alarm off.

With everyone’s ears ringing because of that, I had Markus (my head elf) hand the marketing script over to Sebastian to read. We then frogmarched him out back to record the Christmas Steve Message, which was recorded next to the elves’ cesspit out back of factory unit three. With the sights and sounds of elves going for it in the background, Sebastian composed himself, then he BECAME the character of Christmas Steve.

“‘ello I’m Christmas Steve, me, and I hate immigrants. Too many beers and pies Christmas for Steve but I ain’t no Southern pansy! Tough as nails, me, not like one of them WOKEIES no not me. But because it’s Christmas Steve, that’s me, I’m ‘ere to give you BASTARDS all a message. BEHAVE! Santa’s got a dead busy night ahead, don’t get in his bloody way you bloody layabout lazy poor scumbags. That is all.”

Christmas Steve then left the shot and Kenneth the walrus, who was operating the camera, struggled to turn it off. While he faffed with it I could be heard bellowing in the background many obscenities about how useless he was and how “pathetic” the “son of a bitch” people of Earth are and how much Santa hates Christmas.

Rudolph then got involved and tried to help Kenneth turn the camera off, but they managed to trigger each other off and they got argy-bargy and started a fight with each other. Meanwhile, I was busting to go so staggered off on my gout-ridden ankles to the cesspit to relieve myself (both ways).

As Markus, my head elf, rushed to turn the camera off the scene ended with the sight of Santa draped over the edge of the cesspit while gurning like crazy.

Markus said it didn’t send out a Christmas message of “goodwill”.

Santa told him to shut the hell up and release the tape to the world’s press.

Negative Reaction to the Christmas Steve Marketing Propaganda

The plan is to run this marketing campaign every year to. Even despite the triggered snowflake reaction of the world’s press! They were all at it. Check out these headlines:

• DISGUSTING Marketing Campaign Sends Families Into a Frenzy
• Santa’s Christmas Eve Message Laced With Excrement
• SANTA CLAUS THE ABOMINATION!
• HORROR as Santa DEFACATES on Christmas Eve
• Father Christmas Evokes Feelings Opposed to Enjoyment via Unseemly Marketing Campaign Unsuited to the Squeamish
• DISGUSTING Santa Releases RANCID and WOKE Christmas Message

WOKE!? The Daily Disaster was the tabloid that put that out! I know the editor so rang him up to bellow down the phone at him!! I accused him of being a socialist to trigger him off and we both ended up bellowing obscenities down the phone at each other. After five minutes of that Santa was bored, slammed the phone down, and stalked off to punch Christmas Steve in the face. He’s to blame for all of this!

To Santa’s astonishment, Christmas Steve had legged it one into the icy tundra of the North Pole. Apparently, Markus said, the guy was “scared” and ran off… bloody… WUSS!

Anyway, I had bigger problems.

Several of my key stakeholders rang up Santa and raged at me about the Christmas Steve video. I told them to shut the hell up, they threatened to pull their funding, and I threatened to gun them down with my bazooka (not a euphemism). After I got bored of screaming abuse down the phone at my stakeholders Santa staggered off (getting pretty drunk on Drambuie by then) to get prepped for Christmas Day.

Getting “Prepped” for Christmas Day

Santa sat in my comfy Santa chair in MY office slugging at Drambuie bottles. Markus, my head elf, came in with his standard flipchart and started running through the itinerary for the night.

“UH!” I grunted over and over as he stressed certain points.

Apparently, I’m under STRICT orders not to shoot my bazooka at that house in a suburb of Bolton of Greater Manchester again. It’s happened THREE years in a row now, the bellend bloke who moved in there is a right prat. When Santa went in back in 2021 the bloke was there, in his dressing gown, alone, watching horror movies. I demanded to know what the hell he was doing up at 2am and he accused me of being the “nanny state”!

Well, we’ve had altercations every year since and I HATE THAT GUY!

But Markus has demanded I don’t have anything to do with the guy (he’s called Derek). I’ve promised Markus, a pinky promise touch blue make it true, not to punch Derek in the face. Markus did not look like he believed me. I glared at Markus my most haughty, steely gaze, but he just sighed and returned to his flipchart.

“Point 341, please do not urinate on the front door of Mrs. Dolchester in Rochdale, she complained to the local council last year and you’re under strict observation to avoid a repetition.”

“What in the name of bloody hell was Santa supposed to do?! I needed to go, so I went.”

“Sir, there’s a bucket in the sleigh for you to use.”

“I AM SANTA CLAUS, MARKUS! I demand more sophistication than a BUCKET!”

Markus then reminded me that earlier I’d evacuated myself into a cesspit on camera and have had the video circulated on a global basis with several billion people having now seen the video.

I glared at Markus another haughty gaze.

Markus held my gaze firm.

“Sir… it’s important. The Christmas Steve campaign has been received with universal contempt. You’ve actually united the entre global community in hatred of what you presented.

“Is that not a good thing, Markus, my head elf?!” Santa wheezed.

“It’s… a thing certainly, sir.”

Santa tried to wink at Markus knowingly, but I was super trashed on Drambuie and, instead, wet myself copiously. Well! Sweet dreams, global citizens, Santa sets sail in a matter of hours!